This is a gory, harmful, snuff-porn, slasher film masquerading as an art film


by Manhandle

I enjoy reading the user movie reviews on IMDB because they make me appreciate the inherent value of a culture where freedom of expression and a plurality of viewpoints are cherished. I also enjoy reading them because they make me feel smarter than many of the idiots who post reviews.

Recently I was browsing the comments for No Country For Old Men, a film I enjoyed quite a bit. Asusual, the comments ranged from the orgasmic (“ a haunting masterpiece of transcendent, savage beauty”) to bitterly angry (“worst movie EVER MADE”) with very few comments in between the two extremes. Such is the nature of IMDB.

One of the most hilariously reactionary comments comes from Benoit, an outspoken gentleman from Toronto whose one star review is titled: “From the country that bought you legalized torture…”

Here are some excerpts:

I’m very sorry that the Academy felt it had to crown this kind of demented bloodbath with a prize. This is just more of the same old snuff porn that has been making the rounds of Hollywood since at least “The Godfather”

Benoit does concede that No Country fills a need for the uncultured riff-raff south of the Canadian border:

…giving the dumbed-down US public what they really crave: a virtual murder spree à la Grand Theft Auto with lots of comic book horror.

And he wraps things up with a breathtaking leap of rhetoric, comparing the audience for this film with… well, take a look:

In short, this is just the sort of sadistic entertainment Nazis must have craved after a hard day’s work at Dachau or Büchenwald. So why did we fight and win that war exactly?

Good point, Benoit. WWII is a total wash because adults have the freedom to create and enjoy violent films.This got me wondering what other films Benoit gave one star to, and what films he gave ten star reviews to. I’m all about context – perhaps Benoit’s credibility as a judge of cinema and as a sane person shouldn’t be called into doubt based on one review.

Let’s see…
http://www.imdb.com/user/ur0136588/comments

Uh-oh. Benoit didn’t like Cold Mountain, which in his one-star review he describes as “an abomination.” Let’s see what he comes up with:

Just like the benighted citizens of Ancient Rome amused themselves by watching human beings dismembered for their enjoyment in the arena (…) today’s Americans love nothing more (apparently) than to collectively cuddle up to tales of squalor, gratuitous blood spilling, dehumanized killing, torture and various acts of degradation and wanton barbarity.

That didn’t go well. I wonder if Benoit enjoyed Cronenburg’s Eastern Promises as much as I did?

This film has everything to please an (American) audience avid for sadistic thrills that leave nothing to the imagination and to captivate a generation raised on violent video games

OK, so he didn’t care for it as much as I did. But then, I am an American barbarian. Another one star review from Benoit for this “decadent filth for a jaded, desensitized, morally bankrupt society.”Let’s move on. What did Benoit think of Pan’s Labrynth and anyone who enjoyed it?

This is a gory, harmful, snuff-porn, slasher film masquerading as an art film: Its tagline might as well be “Hey, guys, it’s got subtitles, so you know it’s good for you!” The people who are taken in by this trash are mostly young Americans, ignorant about history or the world around them, and who are fans of violent, sadistic cinema. It was conceived by a man with a troubled mind and no interest in reality, whose main obsessions are violent death and dismemberment. It would appeal to a people who has [sic] repeatedly failed to count the casualties in a war they have started in Iraq because it is good TV entertainment and good business and it is set in a faraway land they couldn’t even pinpoint on a map of the world.

One star for Pan’s Labrynth. Let’s try Kill Bill:

Tarantino would still be popular - and probably more so - if he admitted to having single-handedly warped the minds of all of America’s youth and his responsibility for society’s widespread desensitization to gore, murder, violence and the suffering of others.

Hmm, he didn’t care for that one either, but it’s good to know where to pin the blame for the tragic state of America’s youth. BTW, Canadian kids are doing fine, thank you very much.I think we’ve got a good handle on what Benoit doesn’t like, so to get a more well-rounded picture of his taste in film, let’s check out the films that he did like. Don’t worry, the snuff-porn of The Godfather doesn’t make an appearance.

National Security, the wacky Steve Zahn/Martin Lawrence flick (10 stars):

…this movie is one hell of an action movie and it will go down as an interesting exhibit whenever they write the history of race relations in American movies.

Rob Schneider’s The Hot Chick (10 stars):

I can understand how it could get quite a few bigots’ panties tangled in a knot. Times have not changed much since (was it only two months ago?) `Boat Trip’ died at the box office for roughly the same reasons.

So that’s why Boat Trip didn’t do well – American bigots! I thought it was because it was a shitty movie.Speaking of Boat Trip (10 stars):

This film is very reminiscent of the very best of French farce

Ice Age (10 stars):

Fox rules!

Jeepers Creepers (10 stars) is “an American masterpiece”:

This director is, on the strength of this film alone, one of the finest story-tellers in America.

Larry the Cable Guy’s Delta Farce (10 stars):

Finally, a perceptive comedy about US involvement in Iraq
…its moral is a timely reminder that if it’s freedom and democracy you’re supposed to be fighting for, there is a lot more work to be done close to home than in a country most Americans can’t find on a map. 10 stars.

Benoit from Toronto – dropping knowledge on the savage, ignorant, bloodthirsty American public. Thank God there are folks like him out there to remind us that the movies we enjoy are damning indictments of our Nazi culture. And thank God he’s in Toronto.



[spoilers]He dies in the end[/spoilers]


by Brought to you by Carl's, Jr.

IMDB’s message boards are marvelous places to peruse if you ever want to find endless reasons to hate your fellow man. It’s also a place of great passion and activism. The world’s most avid movie fans gather there to tear down the movie folks they hate and boost the ones they love. For instance, this thread on how The Rock can boost his career, inexplicably placed in the Dark Knight message threads:

Dwayne Johnson, also known as The Rock, Rocky Maivia, The Brauma Bull, and the People’s Champ is a man who has unlimited potential. I firmly believe that he can become an actor among the likes of Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, or George Clooney. He simply needs to have the right image and land the right roles. I hope to help him succeed in his quest to become a serious actor, and not just go to the Oscars to present an award. Here’s the plan:

Change the image. Dwayne simply needs an image overhaul, physically among other things. So,
1. Grow out the hair (On the head and on the face)
2. Lose some muscle and trim down.
3. Get paler (ditch the fake tan)

Once he has done that, here are some sure shot movie ideas I have come up with:
1. He plays an abusive father dealing with the death of his eldest son and his painful, crippling, debilitating alcoholism.

2. He plays an Argentinean intellectual who is arrested and taken to a concentration camp in the Argentine countryside with his wife during the so called “Dirty War” of the late 1970s. [spoilers]He dies in the end[/spoilers]

3. He plays an Army officer who proudly served his country in Vietnam. However, he is forced to retire due to an early onset of Alzheimer’s. As his mind slowly starts to slip away, he tries to reconnect with his estranged family before the end. Cue the sad music (I suggest the Johnny Cash cover of The Beatles’ “In My Life”).

Let me know what you guys think. What stuff works?

Later in the thread, some spoilsport reminds “watchoutforbears” that Dwayne Johnson is, in fact, part Samoan, and so his “fake tan” is not in fact fake. But “watchoutforbears” is ready for that:

I know he’s part Samoan, but I think he could expand his horizons if he bleaches his skin tone a little bit. Actors do it all the time (or tan). Studios are pricks and they are all about accuracy. I could definitely work with it. Argentina, obviously. Also, I will just say his last name is Diaz or Ramirez. Boo yah!

Done got served, son.