“If I was you, I wouldn’t read critic crap. If you like the film, you like it don’t let someone elses opinion get to you.”


by Kevin Church

So, Stephanie Meyer’s series of teenage romance novels have begun the transition to the big screen with Twilight, debuting this Friday. I figured that the IMDB boards would surely have some sort of statement concerning the poor reviews (44% on Rotten Tomatoes, 5.7 on IMDB) the film has garnered in its pre-release. I searched high and low through threads with names like “Eww,,,, discusting old man creeping about Twilight on Rotten Tomatoes,,,” (started by hogwarts13, natch) to see if I could find a perfect diamond of Fan Entitlement And Outrage At The Public.

There were multiple contenders, as you could imagine, with usernames like nascarfan38241 who declared the following, asserting their position as a fan of watching cars go around in circles and being cultural trendsetters because of their love of clumsily-written vampirotica for teens:

i read the books before they became a big thing and they are amazing. just saying.

Still, I was disappointed. Nobody came close to what I was imagining was out there, perhaps because they were tired of the trolls that had invaded the boards and rampaged through the fandom present with swords made of lulz.

Then I saw this, from xprincesslaurenx:

Some people have rated even though they havn’t seen it yet..or just cause they don’t like twilight

But the reviews are EXCELLENT from fans! But critics however who are in there mid-sixties, who has never experienced love and they didn’t do there homework. They probably don’t even know it comes from a bestseller book. If I was you, I wouldn’t read critic crap. If you like the film, you like it don’t let someone elses opinion get to you. But most people really do love it cause there not twats like most people on here.

It’s not particularly long, but it’s got density on its side. Let’s review the Fantitlement Score and see if we have a winner:

  • “Some people have rated [...] just ’cause they don’t like twilight” “Not liking” a thing means you don’t get to talk about it: 15 points
  • “But the reviews are EXCELLENT from fans!” Fans’ viewpoints outweigh professional film critics: 20 points
  • “But critics however who are in there mid-sixties, who has never experienced love and they didn’t do there homework.” Second sentence in a row that begins with “But”; misused “there”; age discrimination and accusations of lovelessness: 50 points
  • “They probably don’t even know it comes from a bestseller book.” Belief that quality comes from bestseller status; belief in critic’s inability to know that things exist: 20 points
  • “But most people really do love it cause there not twats like most people on here” Do I need to explain?: 30 points

This brings the score up to a senses-shattering 135 points! Congratulations, xprincesslaurenx, you’re the big winner today! Enjoy your moment in the sun!

(Or is that the wrong thing to say to someone who’s as deeply into vampire novels and film as she appears to be?)



6 Comments

  1. My wife read the first Twilight book and kept pausing to tell me how awful it was. In interviews Meyer has said that she really hadn’t read or watched any other vampire text before she wrote the book, which I guess explains why they are sparkly ageless hunks who fall in sparkly abstinent love with Mary Sues.

    Or so I’ve heard.

    #1 Mojo

  2. No, she’ll like a moment in the sun. In Twilight, that makes vampires SPARKLE!

    Yes, really.

    #2 Ken Lowery

  3. SPARKLY! sparkle, sparkle, sparkle. My friend Kim wrote something on these books — the title says it all: Twilight Saga: It Won’t Ruin Girls’ Lives, But I Sure Take Issue With It

    http://tinyurl.com/5bxhzb

    #3 Shannon

  4. I’m an old twat and I’ve completely avoided Twilight. Almost choked with laughter at the idea of vampires becoming **sparkly** in sunlight. “We’re vampires, and the Sun is our mirror!”

    #4 kincsem1874

  5. Accusing the critics of having “never experienced love” was my favorite part. So self-righteous! So obnoxious!

    #5 Bill S.

  6. So, from xprincesslaurenx’s (shouldn’t she get extra points for having a “x…x” username?) critique, we can conclude that Twilight is love.

    Sparkly, sparkly love.

    #6 HydrogenGuy

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