Hey Owen. You’re kind of a big mouth tough guy over the internet. Wanna come say f*ck you to my face? I’d be happy to give you the chance.


by Kevin Church

We mentioned Fanboys and its attendant controversy a few weeks ago on this site. The film’s second director, Steve Brill, took it upon himself to respond to messages from those fans who are concerned with how the director of Heavyweights is going to crap on their dreams for a sensitive, uplifting movie about a Star Wars fan dying of cancer. One fan wrote in this eloquent, forthright plea for the director:

You’re involved with Fanboys for nothing more than a quick buck. You don’t give a damn about the movie, Star Wars or its fans, so why the fuck did you agree to the job? Do you sleep comfortably at night knowing that you’ve bastardised a film that has the potential to become a cult classic for years on end into a movie which will be forgotten about in less than 6 weeks.

Little Nicky was okay, the rest sucked.

Once more, fuck you!

Brill’s response is a riposte in the vein of Oscar Wilde, the sort of thing that you’ll have on your mind late at night, marveling at its innate beauty:

Hey Owen. You’re kind of a big mouth tough guy over the internet. Wanna come say fuck you to my face? I’d be happy to give you the chance. How about this tough guy. You and I go head to head in a Star Wars Trivia contest. You think I don’t care about the wars fucker? I know more about it than you can imagine. I care deeply and have been immersed in Star Wars since it came out. I was there jerk off. I still have my stub. I have seen the trilogy probably a hundred times in the theater! And you dare question my caring. You think I would do it for the money!? I did it to get the movie released! So people like you could see it. But come on. Let’s prove who cares more. Five thousand dollars to the winner of a trivia contest. I’ll donate my winnings to the American Cancer Society…So get ready big shot… If you e mail me again, you better be ready to lose that five thousand.

I have no idea who I’m supposed to be rooting for here. It’s like some sort of mentally handicapped gladiatorial battle.



This is a gory, harmful, snuff-porn, slasher film masquerading as an art film


by Manhandle

I enjoy reading the user movie reviews on IMDB because they make me appreciate the inherent value of a culture where freedom of expression and a plurality of viewpoints are cherished. I also enjoy reading them because they make me feel smarter than many of the idiots who post reviews.

Recently I was browsing the comments for No Country For Old Men, a film I enjoyed quite a bit. Asusual, the comments ranged from the orgasmic (“ a haunting masterpiece of transcendent, savage beauty”) to bitterly angry (“worst movie EVER MADE”) with very few comments in between the two extremes. Such is the nature of IMDB.

One of the most hilariously reactionary comments comes from Benoit, an outspoken gentleman from Toronto whose one star review is titled: “From the country that bought you legalized torture…”

Here are some excerpts:

I’m very sorry that the Academy felt it had to crown this kind of demented bloodbath with a prize. This is just more of the same old snuff porn that has been making the rounds of Hollywood since at least “The Godfather”

Benoit does concede that No Country fills a need for the uncultured riff-raff south of the Canadian border:

…giving the dumbed-down US public what they really crave: a virtual murder spree à la Grand Theft Auto with lots of comic book horror.

And he wraps things up with a breathtaking leap of rhetoric, comparing the audience for this film with… well, take a look:

In short, this is just the sort of sadistic entertainment Nazis must have craved after a hard day’s work at Dachau or Büchenwald. So why did we fight and win that war exactly?

Good point, Benoit. WWII is a total wash because adults have the freedom to create and enjoy violent films.This got me wondering what other films Benoit gave one star to, and what films he gave ten star reviews to. I’m all about context – perhaps Benoit’s credibility as a judge of cinema and as a sane person shouldn’t be called into doubt based on one review.

Let’s see…
http://www.imdb.com/user/ur0136588/comments

Uh-oh. Benoit didn’t like Cold Mountain, which in his one-star review he describes as “an abomination.” Let’s see what he comes up with:

Just like the benighted citizens of Ancient Rome amused themselves by watching human beings dismembered for their enjoyment in the arena (…) today’s Americans love nothing more (apparently) than to collectively cuddle up to tales of squalor, gratuitous blood spilling, dehumanized killing, torture and various acts of degradation and wanton barbarity.

That didn’t go well. I wonder if Benoit enjoyed Cronenburg’s Eastern Promises as much as I did?

This film has everything to please an (American) audience avid for sadistic thrills that leave nothing to the imagination and to captivate a generation raised on violent video games

OK, so he didn’t care for it as much as I did. But then, I am an American barbarian. Another one star review from Benoit for this “decadent filth for a jaded, desensitized, morally bankrupt society.”Let’s move on. What did Benoit think of Pan’s Labrynth and anyone who enjoyed it?

This is a gory, harmful, snuff-porn, slasher film masquerading as an art film: Its tagline might as well be “Hey, guys, it’s got subtitles, so you know it’s good for you!” The people who are taken in by this trash are mostly young Americans, ignorant about history or the world around them, and who are fans of violent, sadistic cinema. It was conceived by a man with a troubled mind and no interest in reality, whose main obsessions are violent death and dismemberment. It would appeal to a people who has [sic] repeatedly failed to count the casualties in a war they have started in Iraq because it is good TV entertainment and good business and it is set in a faraway land they couldn’t even pinpoint on a map of the world.

One star for Pan’s Labrynth. Let’s try Kill Bill:

Tarantino would still be popular – and probably more so – if he admitted to having single-handedly warped the minds of all of America’s youth and his responsibility for society’s widespread desensitization to gore, murder, violence and the suffering of others.

Hmm, he didn’t care for that one either, but it’s good to know where to pin the blame for the tragic state of America’s youth. BTW, Canadian kids are doing fine, thank you very much.I think we’ve got a good handle on what Benoit doesn’t like, so to get a more well-rounded picture of his taste in film, let’s check out the films that he did like. Don’t worry, the snuff-porn of The Godfather doesn’t make an appearance.

National Security, the wacky Steve Zahn/Martin Lawrence flick (10 stars):

…this movie is one hell of an action movie and it will go down as an interesting exhibit whenever they write the history of race relations in American movies.

Rob Schneider’s The Hot Chick (10 stars):

I can understand how it could get quite a few bigots’ panties tangled in a knot. Times have not changed much since (was it only two months ago?) `Boat Trip’ died at the box office for roughly the same reasons.

So that’s why Boat Trip didn’t do well – American bigots! I thought it was because it was a shitty movie.Speaking of Boat Trip (10 stars):

This film is very reminiscent of the very best of French farce

Ice Age (10 stars):

Fox rules!

Jeepers Creepers (10 stars) is “an American masterpiece”:

This director is, on the strength of this film alone, one of the finest story-tellers in America.

Larry the Cable Guy’s Delta Farce (10 stars):

Finally, a perceptive comedy about US involvement in Iraq
…its moral is a timely reminder that if it’s freedom and democracy you’re supposed to be fighting for, there is a lot more work to be done close to home than in a country most Americans can’t find on a map. 10 stars.

Benoit from Toronto – dropping knowledge on the savage, ignorant, bloodthirsty American public. Thank God there are folks like him out there to remind us that the movies we enjoy are damning indictments of our Nazi culture. And thank God he’s in Toronto.



Not to say I hate blacks,which I don’t or any other race for that matter.But I support the Klan


by Tom Thumb

It might look like a harmless comments thread for this aging YouTube clip, featuring the segment of the KKK sequence from O Brother, Where Art Thou? with Ralph Stanley’s raspy, haunting vocals on “O Death.” Predictably, given the imagery and subject matter, the thread is also a seething petri dish for The Deep Crazy:

I am proud to say I support the KKK,and I don’t give a shit what you think.Oh boohoo they killed a few blacks,no whites are crying at the thousands of whites killed each year by blacks.Not to say I hate blacks,which I don’t or any other race for that matter.But I support the Klan,and I support what ever they have done in history,its no worst then the NACCP and BLA.And trying to make it seem worst then it really was is what most people do,what ever the klan done was for white protection.

That was sportty1, one of several real or pretend race-baiters who transformed what was a fairly benign thread about the beauty of the song and the film into, well, the sort of place you find youngsters like Confederacy101:

they are holy because god made darkys to do whites will and if they don’t do that they serve no longer purpose and waste our oxygen

Now, to their credit, there are a number of sane, non-racist folks trying to talk (or shout) the bigots down. There is also this guy:

I served two years in the state pen from 1990 to 1991 for blowing a KKK faggot away, but it was WORTH IT! I lied to the cops, said he tried to rape me, pleaded self-defense and they bought it-

KellyLCrutcher: self-admitted homophobe. Self-admitted murderer. Self-admitted big fat liar. And he has some advice for young Confederacy101:

If you want to do everyone else a favor put a bullet through your head

Which garnered this hasty reply from stalwart young Confederacy101′s login ID:

This is Confederacys father and I read what he wrote and was appalled by it and he has lost all priveleges including his you tube membership.I told him to appologise, and I too am sorry and embarrassed. I’m not racist, far from it and will more closely moderate his choice of friends. Wanting to put bullets in anyones head is as hateful as the ignorance of racism, please accept this and go in peace.

KellyLCrutcher’s response is enough to put you off breakfast, and contains just a piquant whiff of not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that:

I’m not african-american but I want to dump every fucking Klan member in the Grand Canyon- hang them, gut them, then dump the bastards.

Well. That was just a bit much for goldrushnumber1′s lily-white ears – and his lily-white organizational skills:

so you want to dump them in the canyon, then hang them, then gut them, then dump them in the canyon again? you stupid faggot, why not just hang them over the canyon, gut them, then drop them in? go to hell you dumb fuck, niggers suck HAIL THE KLAN!

But does KellyLCrutcher back down in the face of evil? Does he heck!

I didn’t post the message you replied to, a friend of mine did.

Truth? Cowardice? Or a snarky callback to his own victory from a Gosh Darn American Hero?

If you’re in the mood to make your head explode, I’ve barely scratched the surface. Take a shower after you click.



Think Israel.


by Tom Thumb

So by now you’re all aware — right? — that 2007 Best Actress Oscar winner Marion Cotillard apparently said some things awhile back that indicate she A) believes the WTC attacks were orchestrated by the building owners and B) isn’t all that sure about this moon landing business, either. Still with me? Good.

Okay, so Times Online correspondent Charlie Bremner broached the subject on his blog last week, and it turns out his readers hold strong, considered opinions both for and against Ms. Cotillard and her worldview… that is, when they aren’t misinterpreting her as saying 9/11 never happened, as Gail Johnson seemingly did:

Another relative of mine SAW the planes hit the towers. It was the full jet fuel and where they hit the towers that caused the “implosion”. But I’m sure she feels that the Hollicoust didn’t happen too!

Lisa offers a morsel of welcome perspective…

So she made these comments a year ago before anyone had ever really heard of her? Ms. Cotillard is perfectly entitled to think and believe what she likes – as a great many are doing even in America. This “siutation” is being blown all out of proportion.

… which in a just and caring universe would shut the thread right down. But this is the Internet, where the laser-like focus of debaters such as Little Big Horn holds sway:

(I’ve even been heard that a consequential amount of people nowadays believe that the Universe has been created 7000 years ago in 6 days by a Super Daddy praising capitalism, that His Son Jesus saved humanity (even non-monotheist vegetarians) from all sins, that real life/world was indeed after death, and not on the web and, please believe me… that the Pope’s chasuble is cleaned with a special new synthesis powder that makes water totally useless. It’s an acquaintance’s Swiss friend, banker in Vatican, who told me. No article about that?)

One anonymous metallurgist/construction expert/grammarian leaps to Ms. Cotillard’s defense:

In the history of Construction & Engineering, no steel structure or building has EVER collapsed because of fire. WTC buillding collapsed, bur fire was not the cause.

If that doesn’t convince you, heed the words of no less an Authority than Yah Weh, whom you’d think ought to have the last word on the subject:

If you think some `errorist` guys from a cave on the other side of the world had all of that happen, there is something wrong with you….US Neo-Cons (Fas..) absolutely utterly complicit in these events. Think Israel. If you think this is outside the bounds of reality, you clearly do not know much of modern history, particularly US Military history. Enjoy your awakening.

Naturally, many more comments follow, including poetry and… I guess you’d call it philosophy?



It’s only conservatives who are ever dismissed


by Ted Grant

Libertas, the conservative film-blog that judges films not based on the quality of their writing, direction or acting, but on their adherence to the right-wing ideology of the moment, is unhappy with an alleged script leak for the forth-coming Iron Man film.

After a rather defensive screed about the treatment of conservatives in the media, we get to the “objectionable” plot:

Sarcasm aside, this script is almost exactly what a character like Iron Man should be facing. The script opens on a weapons facility hidden somewhere in North Korea, and we soon discover that it is Tony Stark’s weapons that are being manufactured there – but without his knowing. What unravels is a tale of global and corporate espionage, tying into the current War on Terror and some social commentary on WMD’s. …

It’s easy to see why the studio is going in a different direction with the real film. This version makes America the bad guys, run by a corporate Hitler with people planted throughout the government, as high as the Vice President.

Libertas commentators respond:

 

you don’t suppose the trailer editors had specific instructions to make the movie look like it could be the next “300″, do you? A specific edict to make the film appealing to moderates and the right-of-center by making the trailer appeal to those who know who the bad guys are would be a good marketing/business move.

anyone else saddened by the conundrum of whether we should pay for or boycott anti-American films?

If this turns out to be the direction Iron Man is going, than it is most unfortunate. However, it makes an odd sort of sense that Marvel’s most conservative hero would be in the most left-wing Marvel film.

 

Terence Howard I’m sure was right. There’s simply no WAY Hollywood could make a film where the US AND it’s Executive were good guys.

Hollywood is filled with folks who want a Castro to rule, forever, with themselves as the whip hand. It’s why this film like all others will be predictable, cliched, formulaic, and BORING.

Only way HW will stop trying to use films to push their ideology on us will be when they start losing BIG at the box office.

Studios will finally put the foot down and stop letting the A-List use the medium to feed their political self-indulgences.

Yeah, Hollywood! Stop polluting our wholesome entertainment about war profiteers and military industrialists with left-wing propaganda! Give us some right-wing propaganda instead!



[spoilers]He dies in the end[/spoilers]


by Brought to you by Carl's, Jr.

IMDB’s message boards are marvelous places to peruse if you ever want to find endless reasons to hate your fellow man. It’s also a place of great passion and activism. The world’s most avid movie fans gather there to tear down the movie folks they hate and boost the ones they love. For instance, this thread on how The Rock can boost his career, inexplicably placed in the Dark Knight message threads:

Dwayne Johnson, also known as The Rock, Rocky Maivia, The Brauma Bull, and the People’s Champ is a man who has unlimited potential. I firmly believe that he can become an actor among the likes of Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, or George Clooney. He simply needs to have the right image and land the right roles. I hope to help him succeed in his quest to become a serious actor, and not just go to the Oscars to present an award. Here’s the plan:

Change the image. Dwayne simply needs an image overhaul, physically among other things. So,
1. Grow out the hair (On the head and on the face)
2. Lose some muscle and trim down.
3. Get paler (ditch the fake tan)

Once he has done that, here are some sure shot movie ideas I have come up with:
1. He plays an abusive father dealing with the death of his eldest son and his painful, crippling, debilitating alcoholism.

2. He plays an Argentinean intellectual who is arrested and taken to a concentration camp in the Argentine countryside with his wife during the so called “Dirty War” of the late 1970s. [spoilers]He dies in the end[/spoilers]

3. He plays an Army officer who proudly served his country in Vietnam. However, he is forced to retire due to an early onset of Alzheimer’s. As his mind slowly starts to slip away, he tries to reconnect with his estranged family before the end. Cue the sad music (I suggest the Johnny Cash cover of The Beatles’ “In My Life”).

Let me know what you guys think. What stuff works?

Later in the thread, some spoilsport reminds “watchoutforbears” that Dwayne Johnson is, in fact, part Samoan, and so his “fake tan” is not in fact fake. But “watchoutforbears” is ready for that:

I know he’s part Samoan, but I think he could expand his horizons if he bleaches his skin tone a little bit. Actors do it all the time (or tan). Studios are pricks and they are all about accuracy. I could definitely work with it. Argentina, obviously. Also, I will just say his last name is Diaz or Ramirez. Boo yah!

Done got served, son.



Riding the PC train to death by using John Stewart..


by Kevin Church

So, the powers that be at Warner Brothers are in the process of making a Justice League movie, featuring all the big guns: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, etc, etc, et cetera. Now the problem here in many people’s minds is that it will confuse filmgoers expecting to see Routh as our favorite Kryptonian or Patrick Bateman as Batman. A reasonable concern, especially considering as how everybody seemed positively baffled that Smallville had nothing to do with Superman Returns.

Thankfully, K-DoG7p7 has a solution:

So.. the JLA movie is back on track and start shooting the first week in May. Yet not a singel fan of the characters are enjoying the news.. the closes i have yet to hear is “Ohh a JLA movie that nice.. but….” there is always a but…
Like setting the movie in an alternate universe then the other DC movies being made at the same time!, New actors for part that are already filled by other actors..Brandon Ruth is Superman, Christan Bale is Batman.. get it in to your heads!!
Riding the PC train to death by using John Stewart.. even worse is the fact that there is a GL movie coming about Hal..

Now if WB really wants a JLA movie and really want to NOT use the actors already playing the parts.. then I have a really easy solution..

MAKE ‘KINGDOM COME‘!!

you get all the major characters..
you get a good reason to cast different actors (as superman and batman are quite a bit older)
you get a larger cast and get to show off more of the DCU
you get to show the fans the true difference between Supeman and Batman..
Also…

Superman vs Captain Marvel!

so please WB.. can the JLA movie and make Kingdom Come instead!

That’s right – cast aside the youth-oriented summer blockbuster you’re making and instead use one of the most continuity-dependent comics in the history of the medium as the basis for a film where Superman creates gulags for his enemies, Batman’s turned Gotham into a fascist state, and Wonder Woman looks like the least successful M2F ever.

The whole thread’s pretty golden, so make sure you click over. Thanks to Jeff at Conditional Axe for pointing this out!



« Previous Page

Custom research papers