We’ve seen fan fiction take on Jane Austen and still more classic works of literature are not able to escape being used as fan fiction fodder.


Lord of the Flies: Fruition

Ralph’s eyes were wide with utter shock as they locked onto Jack’s. His fingers fumbled towards his lips, but he refused to touch them. He sat motionless on the warm ground, drawing in a shaky breath. Jack never broke away from Ralph’s gaze as he searched for Ralph’s thoughts that could usually be read clearly on his face. This time, however, he was indecipherable. ‘He knows now, doesn’t he?’ Jack thought, wiping away stray tears. He wanted to break the deafening silence, but chose not to in favor of allowing Ralph to recover. But the boy merely sat, not breaking away until just a moment later as his eyes trailed slowly to the floor. Ralph’s mind was astir with thoughts and emotions. ‘J-Jack…’ He could not bring himself to think coherently.

“You - you must know now.” Jack whispered, blushing madly but not caring enough to turn away as he usually did. “J-J…” Ralph was stupefied. Slowly Jack began, eager to reason with the boy. “This island is far different from the place we used to live in. Am I wrong?” Ralph sat silently, allowing his fingers to trail aimlessly on his lips. “This sort of thing…it might not have been accepted at home, b-but -” Now Jack was lost for words. Was this wrong? He looked for something simple, an easy way to offer an explanation. “I don’t - care if this might be wrong. I don’t know how this happened or what it means. I just know that I feel it…and it’s killing me.” Other tears slipped across his face, and Jack simply let them fall. Now Ralph knew, he finally knew.

Ralph looked up to him slowly, blushing now as well.


Lord of the Flies: Sinful Secrets

Jack slapped him harder this time. “You think you can stop me?!” He slapped him again. “Can you?! Huh?!”

Simon now remained helpless beneath his deadly dominator. He got kissed on the lips but refused to return the favour. Jack punched him hard in the stomach and grabbed his groin. Simon screamed in agony.

“I’m gonna hurt you Simon,” he sneered. “You wanna feel pain?”

“Jack please stop,” Simon sobbed. “I don’t want this.”

Once again, he felt another hot kiss purge his soft lips. A hand travelled down his chest and poked his navel. He really felt like crying, but he couldn’t. He wanted Roger so bad right now, but the more Jack consumed him the farther Roger would go in his mind. He had no other choice but to give in, for now.

He slipped his tongue in Jack’s mouth, allowing it to dance with the other’s. His hips bucked up and Jack was caught in a trance.

“Simon…” Jack moaned. “I’m not finished with you yet.”


To Kill a Mockingbird: The World From My Porch

As Dill was bedridden for the next few days, it was up to me to run errands generally be active for him. I brought him meals and read with him, even going to visit his editor.

By the end of the week, Dill had taught me how to drive adequately, with him sitting in the passenger seat and grabbing my hand on the clutch every time I made the car stall. I couldn’t honestly say I minded the physical attention, as our kiss was still fresh in my mind. Whenever I thought of Marcus, that horrified expression on his face, I felt a guilty pang. I blamed my sudden attachment to Dill on the excess of time I was spending with him, not on the fact that perhaps deciding who I liked more was a little easier than I had first imagined.

To Kill a Mockingbird: The Present

“I wanted to give you your present early, Atticus.” I said pushing my face up to my brothers after the rest of the family had left. The room was quiet a few moments after my statement.

Atticus took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, turning to look at my expectant face. He pushed up his glasses and smirked. “You know, I actually got you a real present, the kind you unwrap.”

“Oh, come on. You can unwrap your present.” I grinned and took off his glasses and setting them on the coffee table, looking deviously into his eyes.

“That’s not funny, Jack.” He said sternly, blushing again and reaching for his glasses. I chuckled and bent over his body, straddling him with my arms. He grumbled and lay on his back, resting his arms on his chest.

“You know you like this. I know you desire me more than you wish to admit.” I laughed at his uneasiness and pressed my lips against his. His eyes fluttered and he relaxed, moving his lips with mine.



Okay, granted, the headline of this article, covering the legal conflict between Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling and the writer of an unauthorized encyclopedia on her work,is a bit on the provocative side (”Harry Potter storylines are gibberish, judge tells Rowling”), but it’s clear from the article itself what the judge meant. This commentator gets it right:

The headline here is VERY misleading if you read the judge’s actual quote. He said that the book was filled with names and words that WOULD BE gibberish ‘in any OTHER context.’ That is a very factual and simple statement which doesn’t imply ANYTHING about the storyline. I don’t care one way or the other about Harry Potter, but I’m an ex-journalist who hates to see the facts so badly misrepresented.

Of course, why let “reading the article” or “a moment’s worth of thought” get in the way of “knee-jerk reaction?”

Seem the judge isn’t into fiction or fairy stories. Wonder if he reads the Bible.

The judge must not be too bright if he doesn’t understand the books. Definitely has no imagination.

It seems suspicious to me that a judge, who normally reads complex, convoluted legal briefs, would find it difficult to read ‘Harry Potter’. Maybe it’s too straightforward and clearly written for him.

I am a 64 year old male American judge and have read all of the Harry Potter series. […] The judge that calls these books ‘gibberish’ may have a small screw loose or has completely forgotten his childhood. The books are great and much deeper than one would think.

Kids seem to have no trouble following the Potter books. It’s scary that a judge can’t.

Harry Potter is hardly gibberish. Has the judge listened to attorneys trying cases? He lacks imagination…

Hmm…hope there’s room for some non sequitur political commentary:

Gibberish! The book is easily comprehensible to 10 year olds. How did this man get to be a district court judge? Probably a Clinton appointee.

Response is immediate:

Uhhh, no. Reagan.

And then it’s back to calling the judge stupid:

My 9 year old grandson has digested the entire series. He relishes the complexity and challenge.

And I’ll bet Judge Patterson hasn’t read anything substantive outside of a legal brief in decades…

Harry Potter? Complex? and this guy gets to decide whether someone is guilty of a crime…

seriously we need to start uping the skill requirements to be someone with power in this country.

i’ve had minumum wage jobs with people smart enough to understand harry potter.

Well said.



Battlestar Galactica


by evilolive

Ambrosia Drunk

“I’m sorry.” He turned quickly for the door but stopped when he felt her hand on his wrist.

Lee shut his eyes for a second. It wasn’t intentional, but it definitely made the tension build between them. He looked back at her ruefully and saw that she was standing now, centimeters away from him. He twisted around to face her. He wasn’t certain who made the next move, whether he took a step toward her or she toward him, but their mouths met.

It had crossed Maggie’s mind before what it’d be like to frak the CAG, but she rarely entertained the idea. It was preposterous. But here she was really considering frakkin’ the CAG. It’d been far too long since she had a good frak. The kiss was hot, almost feverish, and it intensified as he pushed her against the wall.

Lee had never been the type to have one-night stands – was that what this was? - Or at least he never thought he would be. It might’ve been the ambrosia impairing his judgment, but he needed this, to feel something other than rejection and anguish. Lee pressed up against Maggie, grinding his hips against hers, and sliding his tongue against hers.


Puppy Love Let No Traitor Put Asunder

In the end he hadn’t had to say a word. She came to his quarters, she sat there and told him how he felt, then proceeded to tell him she felt the same, had done for quite sometime and that life could not wait around for the day William Adama finally ‘got his ass in gear’ To which his shell shocked first response was that she had to stop hanging around the marines as her language was getting a little colourful.

Thus it had begun. She had come into his life, gotten hold of his heart, then taken him to his bed and dispelled any thoughts he ever had of her being a naïve little school teacher.

He worshiped her with his body, and when his body was spent he worshipped her all over again with his hands and lips, her impassioned cries spurring him on, his name torn from her throat as her juices ran over his tongue.

He adored her breasts. After the groundbreaking ceremony on New Caprica, when she had caught him ogling her cleavage, to the feel of her breasts squashed against his chest as they lay beneath the stars. When she did her lazy strip tease for him that first night on the way to his rack, he had stood there and gawked. It was only when she asked him if he was going to stare all night or actually ‘do’ something he finally came out of his rosy nipple induced coma.


Battlestar GalactiRENT

And Lee Adama will attempt to write an angsty poem about his very messed up life…
Lee: Once I loved a girl
Now, when I see her, I just want to hurl
Cause she married Anders, and I married Dee
I guess there’s nothing left in the world for me.
Helo: That…doesn’t make us want to commit suicide too.
Chief: And Felix Gaeta will model the latest fall fashions from Aerilon while visions of Gaius dance in her head.
Gaeta: And Tyrol will grow a beard, amazingly, in just one episode, and while he attempts to fix every Viper in the hangar deck so when they launch they spell out the words–!
All: DIE CYLON LOVERS DIE



In Gundam Wing:

Harry blinked. Why would Miss Forrite call Hugo “Trowa”? But Harry had to admit that “Hugo” didn’t seem to fit the tall youth, and resolved to call him “Trowa” like Miss Forrite did. It fit him better. And Harry like the name “Trowa” a lot better than the name “Hugo.”

“Thank you for bringing him all this way,” Aunt Petunia smiled. “He’s early, so my son and husband aren’t up yet, otherwise I’d introduce you to them.”

“It was nothing.” Miss Forrite replied, and Harry could hear her shoes click against the floor as she made her way to the door. “Before I go, who was the little boy in the kitchen?”

“Just Harry,” Aunt Petunia waved it off. “He’s my nephew. I don’t expect him and Hugo to get along well; he’s a terrible child. Misbehaves all the time.”

Harry blinked back tears. He always tried to be very, very good. He just. . . wasn’t. He didn’t understand why, because when he’d tried to act like Dudley he’d been beaten, but when he tried to be good his Aunt and Uncle laughed at him or ignored him or told him he was worthless. “He has my eyes.” A deep voice Harry hadn’t heard before offered.

It had to belong to Hu–Trowa. Harry smiled. So Hu–Trowa had noticed him! He was excited. “Your father had the same eye color,” Aunt Petunia dismissed it. “So did his mother.”

“I see.” Harry could almost see Trowa nod, even though Trowa was in the hallway and Harry was facing the stove. Moments later he heard Miss Forrite call out her good-byes to Trowa and the door opened, then closed.

“Make yourself at home,” Aunt Petunia told Trowa. “I’ll go and get Vernon and Dudley up.”

“Thank you.” Aunt Petunia’s footsteps faded, but Harry didn’t hear Trowa move. “You must be Harry.” The voice was a lot closer than Harry had thought.

Harry yelped and jumped, nearly knocking the bacon pan off the stove. Cold green eyes regarded him closely, and Harry shivered under his scrutiny, not wanting to look at Trowa, fearing Trowa would think he was bad, just like his Aunt and Uncle. Trowa gave a small snort, backing away from Harry and taking a seat at the table to wait for Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon. Harry felt his heart sink. Trowa didn’t seem to like him at all.

Was is possible that Harry was just. . . was just. . . unlovable?


Charmed

The girls picked up Wyatt and Chris then climbed the stairs to the attic. They put the boy in the playpen then began flipping though the book of shadows. After twenty minutes Paige slammed the book shut.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing about demons that use sticks as a weapon.” Paige said sitting down next to Phoebe and Piper.

“Well, let’s see if Leo found anything. Leo.” Piper called and looked up as Leo orbed in. “Well? Did you find out anything?”

“What attacked you was a wizard.”

“A wizard? You mean like Merlin?” Phoebe asked laughing.

“Basically. A dark powerful wizard is causing all kinds of destruction over in England and now apparently the demon community has made some kind of alliance with him. As part of that alliance he has agreed to try and kill you.”

“Are you telling me we are getting teamed up on?” Piper said getting angry.

“Yes, but the elders suggest getting help from the wizard who is fighting this dark wizard. He’ll be dropping by around three.” Leo said sitting down.

“Did they give us a name?” Paige asked.

“Yeah, It’s Dumbledore, Albus Dumbledore.” Leo said.

All three girls burst out laughing at the sound of this wizards name, then went down stairs to wait on him.


Naruto:

Sakura leaned forward out the open window, feeling the breeze brush her hair out of her face. Sasuke and Naruto had recently taken it upon themselves to try to convince her to grow her hair out again, but she had gotten so used to short hair that she didn’t have any intention to. It was much easier to take care of, and she could keep it out of her face when she worked more easily. Besides, she just liked it.

All of a sudden there was a hoot from above her. Sakura blinked at the sound and looked up to see if she could spot it. To her surprise, a Sooty Owl, its grey and black feathers ruffled, was sitting on the pipe above her. It blinked down at her.

What the- what on earth is an owl doing here in the day? She thought, twisting around to get a better view. Come to that, what is an owl doing here in the village? I’ve never seen one here…

The owl hooted again and took off. It surprised her again by swooping around and landing on the sill beside her. In its beak was a letter made of parchment. Sakura could just barely make out the green letters on the front.

“Is this- for me?” Sakura asked the owl. Wait, what am I doing talking to an owl?! It can’t understa-

She broke off the thought, because it appeared that the owl was nodding to her. Sakura tried to look at it more closely, but didn’t get the chance to, because it suddenly dropped the envelope and took off, hooting.

Sakura picked up the envelope and read the front. It said:

Miss Haruno Sakura
The Northwest Window
The Second Floor
142 West Street
Konoha
The Land of Fire


X-Men:

“Don’t worry Wolverine,” Sabertooth smirked, “I’m sure she’ll be fine in heaven.” However, before Wolverine could lunge at Sabertooth, somebody already beat him to it. A Man covered in blue fur lifted Sabertooth, and threw him through the wall. “It’s about time, furball.” Wolverine growled. “All in good time boy.” The man replied. Then the doors burst opened and Lupin entered with a dark-skinned woman, with white hair.

Archive clapped and sent another wave. All of them invaded just in time. The woman started to rise from the ground, as she looked up. Her eyes became white, then out of nowhere a lightning hit Archive and sent her hurling through the same wall that the blue man threw Sabertooth.

“Logan, what happened?” the woman asked, as Wolverine ran to the wreckage and started lifting the debris out of the way. The Blue man and Lupin started to help as well. “Sarah’s – underneath – the debris.” He panted as he struggled with a very large part of the wall.

After a few debris that were lifted, the woman said, “There!” she pointed through the other side; there you see a hand poking out from all the parts of a machine. Wolverine was able to lift Sarah from the debris, “Sarah, can you hear me?” Wolverine asked, patting her cheeks lightly. Lupin held her wrist. “She still has pulse, weak, but stable. Let’s floo her to Hogwarts, the Infirmary is already ready.” “Then what are we waiting for?!” Wolverine growled, while carrying Sarah bridal style. “Let’s go.”

Dumbledore stood from his seat. “This has been a tiring night for all of us. Prefects, lead the first years to their dorms. Good Night.” The students left the great hall, while looking at the Xavier students with amusement.

As the students left, the Xavier students walked up to Dumbledore. “Will Sarah be alright?” a dark-skinned boy with gold eyes asked. “Madam Pomfrey can mend anything.” Dumbledore replied, as he left the Great Hall.

The Next Morning…

“That was a weird event last night.” Hermione said as they entered the Great Hall for breakfast. “Yeah,” Ron replied as he sat down, and began filling his plate with food. “I’m beginning to think that it wasn’t just wandless magic.” Hermione said, as she began to butter her toast.

Dr Who:

“So…” Harry started. He wanted to ask what Free Magic was, but his mouth instead blurted out, “What is this thing?”

“Well it’s my TARDIS of course.”

“Sorry a- what?”

“T-A-R-D-I-S. Stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space.” The TARDIS began to make its trademark whirling sound, as if disappeared out of time and space to give the Stilken the slip. Harry, however had absolutely no idea what the sound meant and back away from the large control console.

“Wait space? What are you an alien or something?”

The Doctor’s grin told Harry all he needed to know. “Merlin, an alien. So you’re like a Martian?”

The Doctor looked at him in mocked outrage, “I am most certainly not a Martian!” He scratched his chin thoughtfully, “Even though they are actually one of the few aliens in the Universe who fit the small, gray alien image.” He turned back to Harry and asked him in a pointed voice, “Now do I look like a small, gray alien to you? Hmm?”

“No- I guess not.”


Twilight:

Harry felt his life process slipping away and then he felt the cold lips touched his neck. The two stabs at same time, he felt the venom spreading into his blood… It was like searing pain. He snapped his eyes open, he saw the red eyes staring back at him and he felt the cold hands carrying him. He screamed in pain when the venom felt like fire burning inside his body.

‘It’s been like hours,’ Harry thought, his head still ached too much and his eyes couldn’t open. He felt the cold lips touched his neck, shivered at the touch. He feared what they were doing to him… Then his neck was bitten and sucked little. Finally, he felt the cold lips tore away from his neck. Before he could think, the venom was like fire spreading inside his body. He screamed and whimpered then writhing in pain as he opened his eyes, he found himself in the room which it looked like apartment. There were two people standing before him.

“Don’t worry; it’ll be over,” The musical voice said, and then added, “It’s only for three days.” This answered Harry’s unasked question.

Harry heard it, and then clenched his teeth as he felt plenty of knives stabbing his body. Much worse than the Cruciatus Curse, he shut his eyes to ignore the pain but the pain was going too great for him. To add this deadly pain, his scar burst like fire and he screamed in pain. His scar was smoking, thus disappearing. Then there was one more smoke from his body, but it quickly disappeared.

“That scar… was disappearing, Mark,” The girl with long hair and red eyes, she was deadly beautiful and she was shorter than the man leaning back against the wall. Her eyebrows raised as she said that.

“Yes, Karen,” He agreed, his red eyes staring at the boy writhing in pain. His hair was smoothed back like Malfoy’s and it was light gray, he looked a bit old but his body looked athletic and muscular. He was wearing the buttoned jacket (the collar was unbuttoned), wearing the jeans and the combat boots. He sat on the couch, his chin rested on his hands while his elbow on his knees as he leaned little.

“That scar is somewhat curse, now it seems something is broken,” Mark said, his red eyes closing as Harry screamed in pain.



Poor Jane Austen


by evilolive

Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice is perhaps the first and most enduring source of fan fiction, since most romance novels would not exist without her influence. And some of that fan fiction is rather frightening:

From Jane Austen’s Land of Ahhhs:

Master Under Good Regulation
This is the story of Pride and Prejudice as seen through the eyes of Reggie, Mr. Darcy’s dog. Reggie has a keen perception of things going on around him and the story begins with Darcy as a young boy of 15, picking Reggie out from a litter. We see the two of them become close companions as Darcy grows up and enters the story of Pride and Prejudice that Jane Austen penned. But the story also takes you to those silent months and behind the scenes where Reggie has much on which to reflect, comment, and intervene.

Lizzy, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: A Sardines Epic
An affectionate parody of literary favorites, in this tongue-in-cheek adventure, when Lizzy Bennet agrees to play a game of sardines with the Bingleys and Mr. Darcy while her ailing sister slumbers, she can have no notion of where this innocent game will lead her, and in what kind of peril she will find herself when she chooses to hide in Miss Bingley’s wardrobe and instead finds herself in a strange world unlike anything she could ever have dreamed, and where things happen that may very well change the course of her life.

Emotional Hangover

Liz Bennett was bursting at the seams. She could not wait to tell the rest of the band the news. Their manager, or as she fondly called him, daddy, had just called and told her that they had been booked to be the opening act for Vicious Innocence, on their tour. Jenny, Lisa, Marianne, and Lottie, the rest of the girls who made up Emotional Hangover, were all looking at her expectantly

“Well?” Marianne prompted. “What did he say? Are we booked?”

“YES!” Liz announced. Cheers resounded from the rest of the group. They were finally getting another tour. And not just any tour; A tour with the number one rock band in the country.

“I knew it! I knew it!” Lisa screeched. “How could they possibly turn down us? Bet the boys took one look at our pictures, thought, “Wow, they are hot!” and that was that!” Everyone laughed at Lisa. The youngest in the band, only 17, all she cared about was boys and clothes. “Seriously though, we are sooo lucky that we get to tour with the most eligible bachelors on the face of this earth, not to mention the hottest!” Lisa said.

“I’m just happy that we finally have our big break. Opening for Vicious Innocence means that we get to perform in front of millions of people. It’s the best way to get to the top of the charts.” Lottie said.

“I agree with both of you.” Jenny said who was the oldest at 24 and always was trying to be the peace maker. “This tour is going to be huge for us, and it doesn’t hurt that there will be some eye candy for us on our trip to the top.”

‘Amen, sistah friend!” Marianne yelled…..

On Thin Ice

St. Cloud State University Rink Penalty Box: Orchestra, Meet my Skate
Predictably, as she was unlacing her skates, HE plopped down on the bench beside her.
Jerome Kush.
He was breathtaking.
He knew it.
He had absolutely no qualms about tooting his own horn.
In fact, he didn’t just have one horn.
He had an entire orchestra.
He attached himself to every female unfortunate enough to enter his line of vision.
Well, every female who wasn’t her.
It wasn’t that he hadn’t made a valiant effort to win her affections.
He had.
His determination to woo her began when they were three.
Maybe his approach is the problem.
“Drake,” he cooed.
Lecherously, he waggled his eyebrows.
“This time, I’m gonna make you an offer you CAN’T refuse.”
Well, there’s a come-on I haven’t heard since practice this afternoon.
Does he honestly believe stealing pick-up lines from the Godfather will get him laid?
“What offer am I expected to not refuse THIS time, Jerome,” she indignantly spat.
He stroked her upper thigh.
“I’ll show you my stick, if you show me your puck.”

Skin Deep
That one touch seemed to ignite both the young men as they seemingly dived for each other. Both shirts were removed before they allowed themselves that long-awaited, much-fantasised kiss. They both fell upon an armchair nearby, Wickham beneath, Darcy on his lap. Henry strained closer so their chests touched, and they kissed most vigorously until George’s brain hurt from denying himself of air for so long. He forcedly broke off the embrace; Darcy dazedly opened his eyes, his lips red and bruised. He stared at George’s lips in shock for a moment, and was about to open in his mouth to speak, when his wits rapidly snuffed out as George began to slowly lick and suck his neck.

Of course, with mouths and tongues wandering around with such abandon, hands were bound to imitate. But when George ran his hand down young Darcy’s chest, through the sporadic chest hair and settled directly on the front of his breeches, he was more than surprised. He arched back against the chair arm so rapidly that he ended up knocking his head on a decorative and serendipitously appropriate statue of Eros placed next to it. Again this brought him briefly back to his senses, again he attempted to halt this exciting event, and again George disarmed him with the ease and skill of a rake.



Y.U.-G.I. Joe

Previously on GI Joe:

James McCullen Destro extended his arm, “Welcome to my humble home, Mr. Vice-President.”

The Vice-President smiled evilly, “With this subcontract offer for Iraq reconstruction, you’ll be able to build a house 10- no, a 100 times bigger!”

They laughed evilly.

Dusty and Duke stood outside the plane, in a manner recalling Bogart and Bergman in Casablanca’s final scene.
Duke worked up his nerve to say, “Dusty, I—”

Dusty turned to him sadly, “Shhh… I do too, but we’ll both be discharged if we go any further with this.”

Storm Shadow walked into Cobra Commander’s private chambers, with his hair tied back in a pair of pigtails and dressed in a schoolgirl outfit. “The lawyer twins managed to get you a new toy. We have to lay low in Japan anyway, so we’ll land in Domino City and hide out there until Destro finalizes the Halliburton subcontract.”

Cobra Commander clapped his hands excitedly.

Storm Shadow looked down sadly, “I don’t mean much to you, do I?”

Cobra Commander sighed out of frustration, “Why is whenever I’m with Bludd, Tomax and Xamot, Mindbender, Overkill, Crystal Ball or someone else, you get all pissy?”

Strange New World

“Snake Eyes,” Scarlett cried as she threw herself into his arms. The tears flowed freely now, she knew not from where. All she knew was the intense gratitude that she now felt for him, even though she had never personally experienced these things herself. The idea that anyone could love her, or someone like her, so deeply, truly touched something in her heart. This relationship between her and Snake Eyes in this world was a mystery that she was finally beginning to unravel. Surely, there must be something that she could learn and bring back with her, because one day she felt she would go back to where she had come from. She knew not when or where or how, but something in her gut told her this. Scarlett now felt a tremendous desire to treasure up the love Snake Eyes showered upon her so unconditionally; this love was a rare thing that could not easily be found once lost. This love was something she must treasure within her heart, just as a child holds onto the sweet memories of a distant day filled with wonder and magic. Like that child, Scarlett would spend the rest of her life hoping to recapture the essence of that original, pure feeling, again and again, because in these moments, she would believe that she had found true happiness.

Love Interrupted

Bubblegum Crisis/G.I. Joe lesbian crossover:

“Courtney, let’s go inside.” She softly requested. Sylia escorted the crying Cover Girl to the couch where Priss and Cover Girl were ‘enjoying’ themselves hours earlier. Sylvie watched from a distance, but then got Cover Girl a glass of water. Sitting next to her she offered her moral support. Cover Girl rested her head against Sylia’s shoulder. She was a full member of the Knight Sabers, but in a way she was adopted into this small, close knit family, who, with the exception of Nene, were in one way all orphans or lost their own family. When Cover Girl took Priss home to meet her mother, she accepted the relationship but did not approve of it, the rest of her family basically disowned Cover Girl for her ‘lesbian’ relationship with the Knight Saber. “She always protected me,” Cover Girl mentioned offhand.

Ass Pinching 101

“OW! GODDAMNIT, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU NEANDERTHAL!?”

“H-Hi-Tech!? Whadd’re you doin’ here!?” Rubbing his forehead sorely, Tunnel Rat backed up in shock and surprise. Hi-Tech was none to pleased.

“Well gee, Tunel Rat, this just so happens to be MY workshop! Why SHOULDN’T I be here!?” Angrily, Hi-Tech rubbed the spot where he had been assaulted. “God, that HURT, TR! Don’t you even know how to do it right!?” Tunnel Rat gave him a confused look.

“What do you mean, ‘do it right’? There’s only one way to pinch!”

“Not like it’s St. Patrick’s Day, you moron! That HURT! You have to do it gently, so it’s only like a short nip, rather than trying to rip someones flesh off! In Italy, men do it to women and younger girls as a way of expresssing that they think the girl is pretty. It’s very common over there, and you do it like this-” Swiftly, Hi-Tech reached around Tunnel Rat and gave him a quick pinch, which he made sure didn’t hurt. The result was a very surprised squeak issued from the smaller man.

“H-Hi-Tech! What are you-”



That’s right. We’re back and unafraid to give you the pure, uncut genius of fanfiction. This time around, we focus on Hasbro’s most popular toy line based on pastel-colored mammals. First up is the sure-to-be-classic Superman in Ponyland, which…uh, well…

Whizzer made it down to Metropolis in record time. She spotted the Daily Planet building, and flew for it, flapping her wings as hard as she could. She found and open window, and flew right into it. It happened to be Mr. White’s office, and he, Clark Kent, and Lois Lane were in the office when she flew in.

“What the . . . .” Clark said, a little dumbfounded.

“Great Caesar’s ghost!” Mr. White shouted. “Another one!”

“It’s . . . . it’s a flying horse!” Lois shouted.

“Pony, actually,” Whizzer corrected. “My name’s Whizzer and I’m looking for Mr. Kent! It’s an emergency!”

“I’m Mr. Kent,” Clark said, walking over to the pink Twinkle Eyed Pegasus. “What’s the emergency?”

“We need Superman to come to Ponyland, and Jimmy said that you were the only one who could contact Superman. We really need you to contact him now, Mr. Kent. Julie, Tommy, and Jimmy are trapped inside a cave and a big, mean dragon is trying to get them!”

“I can’t understand a word she says,” Mr. White said. “Slow down! You’re going too fast! What am I saying?! I’m talking to a pony!”

In case that was a little too pure for your tastes, we offer up My Little Psycho: The Butterfly Island Massacre

“YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO TASTE MY HATRED!” bellowed Waterfire with a maniacal gleam in her eye.

Waterfire took her beach umbrella, shook it free of sand, closed it, and then rammed it’s point into Seascape’s eye socket.

The whole beach was silent except for Seascape’s screams echoing off of the water, and the ripping and tearing noises that were being made by Waterfire rotating and grinding the umbrella around Seascape’s eye cavity.

The silence was broken as Seascape fell to the ground and stopped moving. The Pony Police would classify her death as ‘heart attack brought on by stress, fear, and pain’, but Seascape really died because she was a little bitch.

Every single pony screamed, and ran for their lives. Waterfire smiled grimly, and knew that she had to hurry and catch them all. After all, she couldn’t afford if one of them escaped and told the Pony Police.



I was warned not to do it.  I was told that once one dives into the murky swamp that is FanFiction.net, you will lose your way forevermore, doomed to wander the earth as a poor wretch, unable to communicate clearly or have an idea that’s not somehow related to Silverhawks or  Land of the Lost.  To those cowards I say “I AM KIR-OK!”  and give you the beautifully-titled Grand Theft EquusHere’s the introduction:

Hello once again, this is Vortus with another story. I had come up with this idea three years ago to mix two of the greatest games of all time Legend of Zelda and Grand Theft Auto. I don’t know if it will work or not but what the hell this is fiction right? Zelda characters and races from Ocarina of Time are owned by Nintendo and not myself, the character names and major elements of GTA are owned by Rockstar games so enjoy.

I think you know what you have to do.