The new Wolverine movie brings out the best in Harry Knowles:

“I thought Emma Frost was a very powerful psychic/telepath/empath that had a fairly sadistic, kinky and manipulative streak a mile long. I think Emma Frost was known as the White Queen and was one of the leaders of the Hellfire Club, a kind of mutant SKULL & BONES society at a rival institution to Xavier’s School. But I must have the name wrong. Because I’m relatively sure that surely the people making these movies give perhaps even the vaguest of shits about the material. Surely they Wikipedia’d the character name – read that she was an telepath like Xavier and thought – We can’t have another telepath, but let’s make her a goddamn human fucking DISCO BALL!

I fucking hate FOX for shit like this. EMMA FROST is one of the greatest characters alongside Sebastian Shaw. If the writers, producers, studio cared even a fucking ounce about the characters and the material they would know how fucking stupid turning Emma Frost into the Human Fucking Disco Ball would be. I HATE THIS SHIT!”

I’m sure this has nothing to do with how Knowles liked to rub it out to Byrne X-Men comics in the 80s.

Ok – so I just read that apparently at some point in some iteration of the X-MEN – that EMMA FROST developed Diamond skin… Which wasn’t the case in the far superior Claremont days of the character – so technically they’re not to blame for inventing her DISCO BALL BULLSHIT – but god damn – it is cheesy looking and ridiculous looking. And at the very least is fucked up continuity. Which, of course, they don’t give a shit about.

OK, maybe it does.

Thanks to Casey for the heads-up on this.



It’s hard to pass up the comments on the web-version of a newspaper, USA Today, that so embodies “lowest common denominator” that its print version is delivered daily to hotel room doors around the country. But when that article is about President-Elect Obama being featured in a Spider-Man comic, the comments are just too hilarious to pass up.

Comments seem to fall into a few different categories: Bush-bashing, reverse Bush-bashing/liberal baiting, pedantry, and insanity. But as you’ll see, there are quite a few that fit into the other categories that also fit into insanity.

Bush Bashing

I’m hoping they print it in a large format, so the people who are currently losing their jobs and homes as this little feel-good farce of a presidency gets underway will have something comfy to sleep on …
Maybe they’ll do a George W. Bush retrospective and show how the jobs and home losses came to be.

Hey what do you know, another article that bitter people can trash Obama on for no other reason than retribution for the persecution of their last president’s blundering administration.

Reverse Bush-Bashing/Liberal Baiting

That must be spidy meeting Obama outside a CBC meeting where Obama found proof positive the AIDS virus was invented by GW.

Who new Obama was a cartoon character? Everyone else told me he was the “messiah”!! Now I’m really confused.

It totally works – they’re both fictional superheros.

what do you expect. a liberal commie indoctrinating kids thru childrens books and comics.
everywhere you go,you see this studdering buffoon.

Pedantry

(these first three appear to be a conversation)

This from the guy whose company put out an issue with the Punisher threatening to kill a drunken, evil Bush 43. Liar.

Cite, please.

Late 2001, Punisher series vol.4. I want to say issue #5, but don’t have the comic here to verify.

I’ve got no problem with Marvel capitalizing on the the new President to sell some comics. I do have a problem that they purposely short-printed the comic to reward the hoarders and scalpers.

Of course, if you hadn’t told me that was Obama in the picture, I never would have guessed. It looks nothing like him.

Insanity

Amazing!!! The first US president whose very existence is putting food on the tables of many americans. I am a spiderman fan myself. I never liked Superman and how he has been over-rated. Obama needs to get in touch with me so that we can talk a lot more about Spiderman. I would love it.

U.S. of KKK, white supremist America, America engaged in genocide against blacks, U.S. invented AIDS, Obama elected president
Never never never — Burris — well maybe — well okay — CBC endorsed — hell yes
yeah, things are just now getting ridiculous — oh, I like Obama too.

Well….my son has now lost total respect for his favorite superhero – Spiderman.

Talk about squashing a little boy’s world.

(Here’s a quick back and forth between two commenters. The second commenter’s supercilious attitude is palpable through his terrible spelling and grammar, and for that alone I laugh.)

Hey spud799………You’re just upset, because GWB wasn’t decent enough to be in the superhero comics…..EAT YOUR HEART OUT!!!!!! BAO has the smarts and the integrity to be a decent President for ALL of America…….not just for the greedy rich!!

Get you acronyms right if your going to criticize. BAO? I think the correct I.D. is BHO.
Scouts Out!

“Obama collectibles” – oxymoron
Marvel comics – trying to shamelessly cash in on the hype
What’s next ? A Nancy Pelosi “fake beard”, a Harry Reid autographed bottle of suppositories?

I hope that when the Chicago mess gets even worse and all of “O”s corruption becomes, finally, public, Spiderman will come to the rescue and bring him to justice….and put him behind bars where he belongs!

Get off the internet, people. Get off the internet forever.

Bonus Actual hilarity! I didn’t expect to see anything like this on USA Today:

All I know is that somebody needs to get a radioactive spider to bite Paul Volcker. Because right now, I think what we need is a superhuman economist.



At the 2008 San Diego Comic-Con, BOOM! Studios announced that they had obtained the license to create comics based on Jim Henson’s Muppets. The main title will, quite obviously, be The Muppet Show. The original show featured a format that would allow the publisher to create what amounts to an anthology with each issue, something they’ve already done with their Zombie Tales and Cthulhu Tales title. Acclaimed cartoonist Roger Langridge (whose Fred The Clown is spoken of in reverent tones) was assigned to create covers for the series and handle the framing sequences for the books.

BOOM! sent out a copy of the uninked, uncolored cover of the one of the issues out to a few sites, including The Muppet Newsflash. It appears below.

Setting aside the fact that the art is obviously unfinished and the phrase “check out a sample of Langridge’s preliminary penciling for one such cover on the right” appears in the post and that Langridge had won accolades for his work on the characters in the pages of Disney Adventures magazine, the sort of people that deeply worry over how their favorite puppets from a 30-year-old program are treated bring their knives out. The first few comments are sane, pointing out that they do or don’t like it, and mentioning specific reasons. Then it all goes pear-shaped when frogboy4 makes an appearance. Please note that the bolded lines are part of the original comment.

Rowlf and Gonzo are hideous! Is there any way the fans can give this guy feedback?

I do like his page layout compositions from what I have seen and some of the characters do take to his style, but the key ones like Kermit and Fozzie really suffer in this heavy handed over stylization that leaves more fingerprints of Langridge than of the Muppets! This smacks of individual artistic narcissism rather than respect for the Muppets that Jim Henson, Michael Frith and Don Sahlin created.

By tweaking a few of the designs and insuring the correct spelling of “Wocka Wocka” NOT “Wakka Wakka” as this artist has inked in the past, I think this could be both stylized and respectful to the subject matter. Someone contact this dude before it goes to print – please!

I will say that much of the art really does shine like Janice, but THAT GONZO IS UNFORGIVABLE! If I met this guy in person I’d hurl a chicken at him for that.

This should be a vehicle for the Muppets, not for an artist to make a bigger name for himself. I do believe he can easily back up from that line if he chose to do so. Let’s see if pride or quality will win out.


I’m not sure if threatening to hurl poultry at someone counts as assault; I’d recommend contacting a lawyer before pursuing such action, anyway.

Fletcher Bird responds to frogboy4 in an even-handed, if slightly patronizing tone that provides some perspective on the whole thing:

Wow, that’s some contrasting opinion right there…

I think we’re in very dangerous ground when fans cans start undermining the evolving creative process and nitpick character by character based on one extreme pose. Gonzo is certainly no worse than the Gilchrist overly cartoonized version of the eighties, and IMO will look fine when coloured.

It is important that Kermit always stays appealing, and i’m sure that will improve as things progress, but comic artworking is such a personal medium, that I really fear that too mauch extreme, ferocious reaction will create an unhealthy paranoia in the people behind this project to stop trusting their own instincts and not let it happen at all. There is sooooo much right about that image (Scooter!!!) that i’m happy to see how things turn out in full colour, and page by page, in context of Langridge’s stories.

Langridge’s sense of humour has proven itself to be magnificent in the past (on his previous own-creation books) and I really think we need to give him the chance here – I for one am delighted that Disney are willing to try something slightly different for these comics in a medium that is so perfect for experimenting in.

(Oh, and Frogboy, I think we can pick out the bits of your text that are the most important for ourselves without the bold, if that’s cool. It just sounds like you’re shouting and possibly being much more rude than you’re meaning to be :) )

frogboy4, of course, uses this as a chance to get on his pulpit once again and begin ranting about – I kid you not – the semiotics of Gonzo and the marketplace:

Fletcher Bird.

There is something of value here and that was expressed in my other post. There were a couple of compliments in there, but I am calling a major foul on this artist from what has been shown thus far. There is a reason why Boom and Disney decided to go with character photos for the cover of the ComicCon sampler rather than any of Langride’s art housed inside.

You are obviously a fan of the artist already, but much of this work with the Muppets misses the innate charm of the characters that translated easily into the Gilchrist cartoons. I have seen bad Muppet and Henson product in the past kill future plans for better stuff so yes, it is important to emphasize fan opinion boldly or otherwise. It is presumptuous to feel that fans should just eat up anything with the Muppet label. I am known to be one of the biggest supporters of good product and giving artists and creative teams in the Muppetverse the benefit of a doubt. In fact, I am often criticized for that.

The Glichrist Gonzo design exaggerates the lines already in the puppet. That is what sets the difference. This Langridge fellow invents his own character. This is Warner Brother’s Beaky Bird not Gonzo. There has already been some art published showing more of these drawings. This seems like fan art than licensed product. I’ve provided paid work on official Gonzo product. I know it well. This isn’t even a bad interpretation of Gonzo. It isn’t Gonzo at all. And when you misspell a character’s trademarked catchphrase and worst of all – give Gonzo 4 fingers on this current rendering, it shows a gross lack of knowledge of the Muppets.


frogboy4 then states that he’s emailed Langridge with his concerns about how the man is drawing a licensed property that frogboy4 did not create, produce, write, or have anything to do with outside of buying the product.

Anonymous is proud to stand with frogboy4:

Whoa, what an awful take on the Muppets!

Fozzie is plain HIDEOUS with that wide flapped thing of a mouth and completely different eyes (no lids), and not only does Rowlf have a similar problem with his eyes and ugly wide mouth, his nose is turned by 90°, and he sports a TONGUE!!! Holy crap!

And frogboy4 is right, what’s with Gonzo having four fingers all of a sudden, and again what seems to be a common problem with Langridge, no eye lids?!

Then what’s with Scooter’s teeth? Beaker’s humongous head and 80’s supermodel do? Bunsen’s comparably small anime-style noggin? Statler’s overgrown side burns? And the overuse of the ring-around-the-pupil effect on Animal, Camilla, Crazy Harry and Beaker (and if we could see Sweetums behind the logo he’d probably have it too)? Ugh. Lame. I hope they’ll consider adding some respectful artists down the road.

Stylizing is cool by me, as long as you show respect to the characters’ characteristics.

Another Anonymous has some concerns with the art, but you should really pay attention the part that’s bolded for emphasis:

Okay there are some things here i like, He’s captured Scooter’s eager to pleaseness, Piggy’s man(frog) hungryness, and Robin’s hyperactiveness and as for Janice, she’s hot. Other bits i dont like, but i will say this for the guy. He must be a fan, when was the last time yo saw Crazy Harry or a Snowth depicted anywhere? I think its important to give the guy space to breathe, look at it like this we didnt all like every part of Studio DC live but there were parts of it that were good and charming, just as im sure there will be parts of this that are charming and some parts less so.
i dont draw, I write and osmtimes people dont like what i write but ya know, theres a reason an artist, writer, actor interprets things in a certain way

Yeah, I started scratching at my skin furiously when I saw that, too.

Oh, hey, guys, frogboy4 is back with more thoughts after he spent a lot of time thinking about a penciled preliminary cover. This time, I’m bolding my favorite part. After that, it’s just gravy:

Probably what I should have posted in the first place ;)

I have slept on it and let the elements sink in. I was very excited about this comic initially and with much of the art that many fans criticized. Langridge’s layout style is some of the best I’ve seen. His character style and humor are unique and can work for the Muppets. Much of it already works very well while some of the preliminary art I’ve seen on this is quite attractive.

The bothersome part for me is this – I still see some of these designs as an abuse of creative freedom that other artists fought hard to gain with the Muppets. Slight tweaks on a few of the key characters and a re-haul on Gonzo is mainly what this fan wants. Yes the picture featured here is small – the weirdo is even smaller and out of context but it reinforces his previous larger color designs that have popped up around the web.

Disney requiring Kermit edited out of Henson specials in order to strengthen the Muppet brand, Disney requiring unnecessary nose netting on Master Replicas Gonzo poser to insure product longevity and Henson not permitting Palisades to create a scrunched faced expression for a Kermit figure due to what they viewed as lack of context is the kind of heavy corporate control that hampers an artist.

Insuring that a drawing of Gonzo somehow resembles the character and has the correct number of fingers is not much to ask. I feel Langridge is trying to work against the grain on Gonzo’s design (among a few other central characters). I think that his style can be injected into the existing form instead of eclipsing it. The very head shape is incorrect and actually an inverted form of what it should be.

I have seen many interpretations of the characters over the years from fans and professionals. Let me also admit to seeing some unsightly officially built poser images and character art sent to licensors over the years to be used as models of the characters. That seems to finally be rectified, but some of these comic extremes aren’t going to help.

I’m still giving issue one a chance. I just hope to recognize enough of the characters I know and love – especially my favorite Gonzo. I don’t believe it to be nitpicky or asking too much for the artist to reign himself in a little bit. Creativity thrives on working within some level of constraint. I hope the best for this project.


Guys, he slept on it. He spent a significant portion of his time thinking about – and I’ll repeat for emphasis – an uninked, uncolored preliminary cover for a comic that won’t be on stands for another few months.

I’ve never been much of a Muppet fan – probably stemming from my general disdain for puppets – but I was able to identify every character on the cover easily. I could look at what Langridge had laid out and said “That is a comic book with Muppets on it.” I suspect that fans like frogboy4 would only be happy with fumetti or CGI renderings.

That reminds me: BOOM! has the Pixar license too. You don’t think those fans are…




Desire

“Thank you Superman,” Brainy said looking up at his blue eyed hero.

Superman smiled down at Brainy, glad that he was able to save him in time, and that he could hold Brainy in his arms. He loved the feeling of being near him and holding him. Clark remembered when he saved a woman in the 21st century they would give him a kiss. He wished that Brainy would do that too.

Glaring down at the two, Superman X wished that Superman would stop holding Brainy so close.

“What are you going to do with the snake,” Lighting Lad asked, interrupting Superman X angry thoughts.


LoSH Doujinshi

“So, tell us your name and your superpowers.” said Cosmic Boy.

“My name is Mariah LeClaire,” she said, bowing politely, “and…uh…well…I don’t really know what my superpowers are.”

“You, don’t know what your powers are?” asked Lightning Lad, raising an eyebrow. Mariah shook her head in the negative.

“Well sorry, but if you don’t have any powers I’m afraid we ca-…”

Lightning Lad was interrupted by a very enthusiastic looking Chameleon Boy who, at that very moment, leapt towards Mariah, transforming into a huge beastly looking dog. Mariah gasped and, having no time to dodge, raised her hands up to offer some protection from the attack. After realizing a few seconds later that there was no impact, Mariah looked up.

“Whoa!” was the only sound she could utter. Without knowing it she had put up a force field. It glowed green with energy. Chameleon Boy growled and struck the force field a few times, with no luck. He pulled back as Mariah’s force field had faltered and disappeared. He took this opportunity to transform into a colossal snake. Hissing, he lunged after Mariah once more, ready to sink his fangs into her body. She shot her forward in desperation. Suddenly black sparks flew out of her hand encircling Chameleon Boy and forcing him to switch back to his original form. Everybody in the tribunal stood up, marveling Mariah’s apparently newfound powers.


Letters and Photographs

“B-but Brainy, we need you. I mean, where will you go? And whom can you turn to when you need help? W-will we ever see you again,” she whimpered. Brainy sighed, putting his other bag down, and held her in his arms. He was hurting her again. She had become his best friend and had stuck with him through thick and thin, even when she had lost her memory, she was there. She flung her arms around him and cried into his chest.

“I’m sorry, Vi. I-I’m sorry. It’s just the way things are,” he whispered, his hand stroking her black hair. She leaned upward to kiss his cheek. As her lips came in contact with his warm cheek, he remembered when that first mission that they were on together. He didn’t really like her at first. She was ignorant and so naïve. And he thought that her powers were useless. But yet, she proved him wrong after saving him from the destructo-bot that was holding him down with its hand. She then earns more respect from him after she had assisted him with Lightning lad’s surgery. And she did so much more for him.

She accompanied him to the spaceport and gave him one last hug before watching him aboard the star ship.

“I’ll miss you, Brainy,” she quietly said as she saw him wave goodbye to her from his window.

Ritual

“Well…all right. I’ll give it a try. Just because you’re my sister, and I love you.” Nura breathed deep, composed herself, and concentrated.

After a moment, her eyes flew open in shock. “Mysa, I saw…you and Dirk, making love!”

If it were possible, Mysa grew even paler than usual. “But…that isn’t…I’ve never…”

“What?” Nura stared at her sister, astonished. “Never?!”

“Some of us spent our lifetimes in study, Nura, not chasing the pleasure of flesh!” Mysa snapped, her shrill tone revealing her consternation.



So, here’s some grade-a batshit conservative commentary on, of all things, the X-Men’s Jean Grey and and movies where women are unfaithful. Apparently the fact that Jean Grey is conflicted about her feelings with Wolverine (you know, like almost anyone would be if given the choice between Cyclops and the guy that makes Andrew WK look like a party novice) is unbearable. Now, you might ask yourself, why would someone who has such a rabidly conservative stance even bother with the X-Men, the clumsiest metaphor for racism and homophobia that’s chugged down the pike in forever? Because – get this – she loves superheroes. But not superhero comics. Excerpts? Oh, I’ve got them:

Now my son, as previously mentioned, has a Playstation. It shouldn’t surprise you that we own three different X-Men games (X-Men Legends, X-Men Legends II and X-Men “the official game”). We also have Ultimate Alliance, which I think is cool. (I like playing Storm. She rocks.) We’ve also seen (and own on DVD) all three X-Men movies. Watching those movies for the first time I didn’t know much of anything about the Marvel superheroes or the X-Men specifically. After the first movie I was hooked. I love the X-Men now.
Of course, I really got the impression throughout all three movies that they were trying hard to correlate mutants with homosexuality without actually flat out saying it, though. That really irritated the hell out of me. Still, awesome movies nonetheless..

Yes, because you can remove the themes of tolerance and taking the high road from X-Men and have something that’s more interesting than the Great Lake Avengers. Uh-huh.

Here’s what really, seriously, totally ticked me off about X-Men right off the bat. The Jean Grey, Wolverine, Cyclops thing. That totally pissed me off in like the first two minutes. Then I find out this has been pretty much going on in the comics, too. (I got that second hand though, having never actually read the comics.) Then I see in the video games much is made about this little love triangle as well. Apparently, it’s just awesome.

My first reaction? Cyclops is a total idiot. He’s should dump that slut and let her go have her fling with Wolverine. Seriously. Screw her, she’s a total “ho”. Cyclops can do much, much better. Better yet, he needs to snatch her aside one good time and make it perfectly clear that the drooling over Wolverine is unacceptable. Either drop the fantasies about Wolvie or hit the road. Bottom line. Just how damned much more disrespectful and flat out insulting can you be to your spouse than that? Other than actually cheating on them and making no secret of it, you can’t be!

Heaven forbid characters show some human flaws in order to make them more interesting for an audience. That’d be just silly, wouldn’t it?

I hate all three of these boneheads. Cyclops is an idiot for not laying down the law with Jean Grey the second her interest in Wolverine became apparent. Jean Grey is a fool for playing with Wolverine when she’s married. Wolverine is just a whore and really needs Cyclops to blast him in the face a couple dozen times to get the message across.

All three need a good, solid smack upside the head.

I don’t think it’s the fictional characters that need a “good, solid smack” in this case. I really don’t. Because – get this – they’re not real. You can just leave them be in their nice little world and go read and watch movies where married people lead happy little lives and make out with each other and have chaste, missionary-position sex with the blinds closed and the lights out every third Thursday.

OK, so fannish whining aside, there’s a feminist message buried in all this, or so “Mary Contrary” thinks:

There yah go. Even a 12 year old boy can see what most adult women these days are completely blind to. That’s pretty discouraging. To most adult women these days Jean Grey is just awesome. They aspire to Jean Grey-ness. God help the men they manage to hoodwink into a relationship with them.

What. Most adult women can’t tell you who Jean Grey is, I’m quite sure.

Mary goes on and on about infidelity in movies before stating this:

Let me close this minor rant with a reaffirmation of my conservative Christian fanatic status. I believe adultery should be outlawed (as in “against the law”). Further, I believe it should be a capitol crime. Jean Grey is whore and should be stigmatized as such. Both women from Bridges of Madison County and Unfaithful should have been arrested, convicted and put to death.
Publicly.
On television.
The same television that currently spews out show after show, movie after movie glorifying adultery.

Holy. Shit. She is calling for the public execution of fictional characters. Just drink that in for a moment. This is a woman who calls herself a Christian who’s demanding that the governent round up and kill three women that don’t exist because they cheated on their spouses. (She’s also ignoring the fact that Diane Lane’s character in Unfaithful finds herself going through no small amount of misery because of her infidelity, an argument for sticking with Richard Gere even when there’s a handsome young artist who does things with his tongue that make your knees week.)

I don’t remember Jesus Christ saying anything like that in the New Testament. Or did Christians get their name from another guy with the same last name who was all about brute-force punishment instead of understanding?

(Also, for the love of pete, nobody tell her about Emma Frost.  We’d end up with a six-megaton brain blast wiping out tens of thousands of innocents.)

Special thanks to K.D. Bryan for bringing this person to our attention.



Have a hanky ready, this one’s heartbreaking


by Brought to you by Carl's, Jr.

Some of you may be familiar with the webcomic Ctrl + Alt + Del. It is what so many other webcomics are: an attempt to ape the stylings of Penny Arcade without any actual understanding of why Penny Arcade works. It’s not so much terrible as it is (as one friend put it) aggressively boring and trite. It simply thrives in mediocrity, but (somehow) not content to enjoy the undeserved bounty of semi-popularity, author Tim Buckley actually thinks he’s some kind of for-real artist, which is not only insulting but kind of sad. It’s like, oh god, guys, who has to tell him?

Luckily, you are saved from pity when you find out Buckley is, in fact, a tremendous asshole. So screw him.

See if you can follow along: The cast of CAD is 1) the self-insert lead who is belligerent and obnoxious, 2) the long-suffering roommate who is a big but sane clod, and 3) the sarcastic girl gamer who is inexplicably in love with the lead. Also, some talking animals and inanimate objects and crap like that. Is your mind blown yet?

Anyway. The reason I talk about CAD at all is because I find this glorious post on that ever-reliable source of GOTI material, Scans_Daily:

Many of you may be familiar with Tim Buckley’s webcomic, Ctrl+Alt+Del, following the lives and adventures of a bunch of gamers, most notably Ethan McManus, a sort of good natured, sort of selfish semi-loser we probably all know at least one of.

One of the running subplots has been the pregnancy of his fiancee Lilah, and she and Ethan coming to terms with (or failing to) their new responsibilities as parent’s to be.

Today’s strip changes all that…

Four images, no words, none needed.

The image is behind a cut, presumably for maximum dramatic impact.

But you already know what’s behind the cut, don’t you? Of course you do. You read things other than webcomics and have some awareness of bad writing. This dramatic plot twist THAT NO ONE SAW COMING!!!! is so tired there’s even a TV Tropes listing for it.

Because, folks, it’s real simple: most webcomics (like all serial fiction) rely on status quo, and introducing something like a baby—which dramatically alters the lives of everyone around it, for-freaking-ever—just isn’t going to fly. So you should know, from the first merest whisper of a pregnancy storyline, that it’s going to end in some kind of termination or reason to give the baby away. Miscarriage or the giving-up-for-adoption option are best, because you get some cheap gravitas: the protagonists are pitied and don’t actually have to show any responsibility for anything. Double-plus-good if the lead protagonist is male and doesn’t actually suffer anything at all, and drinks all around if that same male protagonist is the stand-in for the strip’s creator! It’s like Munchausen-by-Proxy Syndrome with an extra protective layer of “I’m just trying to tell a dramatic story” pretentiousness.

Many of the commenters rightly start right in with making fun of the strip and Buckley himself, but the original poster won’t have any of that:

Making fun of a comic about a miscarriage? Classy…

To which comes the immediate reply:

You could also say a gaming webcomic using miscarriage as a plot device isn’t exactly wearing a tuxedo, itself.

We’ll let Scott Kurtz have the final word:

hey, you COULD have your self insert lead character get forced to do some actual character growth in a story that shows him respectfully growing into a real relationship with a woman and child.

Or you could have her undergo some profound traumatic pain that can cause permanent disability but allows you to dodge changing the status quo and go right back to “joking” about how Rock Band would be cooler if you could have Mega man play drums and not actually change anything at all.

That first choice would show respect for women, storytelling as an art form, and the intelligence of your audience. We can’t have that.



So I’m browsing MovieWeb (for work, I swear!) and notice in the sidebar a list of “most commented-on threads,” which is always promising. Comments on movie websites are retard gold. The top one is for X-Men 4, which I guess is a thing?

So I investigate. The X-Men franchise had drastically diminishing returns, but stuff like “objective quality” doesn’t matter to the kind of people who post on message boards. They just want to make sure there are no nipples on the Batsuit and that Kitty Pryde says ONLY WHAT KITTY PRYDE WOULD SAY ACCORDING TO THEIR FAN FICTION.

First thing I see:

YOU GUYS ARE DUMB…GET OVER iT…NOT EVERY MOViE iS GONNA TURN OUT THE WAY YOU WANT iT…SO GET A LiFE…YOU PEOPLE THiNK THAT THE WHOLE MOViE BiZZ REVOLVES AROUND YOUR STANDARDS…WELL MAYBE THE DiRECTOR WAS AiMiNG FOR THE YOUNGER KiDS OR MAYBE THEY DiDN’T WANT TO COPY OFF OF THE COMiC BOOKS…iT MiGHT HAVE SET A LAW SUiT ON THEM…DUHH!! MAN YOU GUYS ARE SO DUMB…GET OVER iT iF YOU DONT LiKE THE WAY THiNGS ARE THEN STOP WATCHiNG THE MOViES!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what I always think when I see text like that? “Man, it takes a lot more work to type like an idiot than it does to type like a normal person.” Can you imagine training your brain to hit Shift every time you type “I” in your all-caps rant? That’s cerebral real estate that would be much better used memorizing, say, left-handed masturbators throughout history.

As it turns out, this is the latest post; MovieWeb lists the most recent post first because it is stupid and hates you. So I scrolled further down for some context. I did not find illumination.

Its so hard to be a comic book fan and watch any of these comic to film movies. There hasnt been one single comic book movie that was laid out excatly like the comics. Even spiderman 1 screwed it all up. The whole bridge scene was taken right out of the comic where Gwene Stacey fell and broke her neck when spider caught her with his web. I know they want to pack 50 years of comics into a 2 hour film, but at least have the directors read and do a little research on the characters and storyline. So I humor myself when I go out to watch these movies, and keep an open mind so I wont be so F*&kin disappointed all the time.

He’s not done.

Shit I HATE rubber suits…

OK, now he’s done. Three things:

1. I cannot take continuity judges seriously when they can’t even get character names right.
2. If you want to see the exact same story as the comic, just reread the damn comic.
3. Shut up.

Further down, some dude who uses a shirtless muscular guy doing push-ups as his avatar but is surely NOT gay pre-empts this line of thought with some reason:

Ive watched xmen3.. the story itself is negative.. if u r really a fan of xmen (comix,cartoon), knowing what they did to x1 and x2 will surely piss u off cuz they made their own crap story line.. but like what i said, u have 2 change ur point of view in watching these movies not as a basist from the comix, but as a viewer judging its movie’s genre 4 u 2 appreciate the verdict of the movie instead of complaining bout d comparison from d comix.. Singer did a good job as a director although unsatisfying to most of the readers but all in all it was a good movie.. but x3??

Sometimes it’s good to close on a question.



DC Comics publishes around 50 different titles in its main superhero line in any given month, meaning that they publish something like 600 total individual periodicals in a given year. You’re with me so far, right? Last week, the latest issue of the sales-handicapped Blue Beetle series, set in El Paso, Texas and featuring a hispanic protagonist, featured mostly Spanish-language dialogue. This means that .16% of DC’s pamphlets released in the last year will feature a language that is not English, delivered by a mostly non-native-English-speaking cast.

Of course, this offends some asshole named Dave, who doesn’t notice that the issue in question is set in Mexico.

I thought it was the first ever comic that bordered on racism. DC: Now forcing its readers to read Spanish.

And for the matter – point me in the direction of one immigrant kid who has 3 quid fifty, to spend on a comic book.

The first ever comic that bordered on racism. I guess we can ignore every World War II cover featuring the yellow menace ever, then? Or this Angel And The Ape story? Awesome! I love revisionism. Throw in the “three quid” line and you’ve got someone who loves England so much he’ll fight for America’s right to read comic books in English!

Of course, someone points out that the book’s always had a Mexican-American cast and is set in a region where Spanish is more likely to be spoken than English, but Dave doesn’t let that fact halt his onslaught against those demon invaders:

Fine, Fine – DC is now forcing its readers to speak Mexican – make up your minds.

You know, we have this exact same problem in our country – a flood of immigrants coming over, refusing to speak English, trying to force us to learn their language. It’s ridiculous. I can’t wait to see the sales figures on this one – because obviously its going to outsell New Avengers, right???

That’s right – when you can’t make your point through racism, bring commercial forces into it! In a response, Alan Coil points out that an ability to speak English isn’t really key to being an American:

Which country in the world has the largest English speaking population?

China.

Dave is not going to brook this sort of “logic,” though, and wants you to know he’s down with the Chinese:

Wow – don’t mention China, you’ll set off that idiot who starts ranting about Tibet. And hey, do you know whats great about Chinese people? A great many Chinese students come over to my country, and they learn MY LANGUAGE. They have their own culture, and their own little Chinatown, and Chinese Rshops and so on, but, at the end of the day, they say “Hello”. It goes a long way towards helping people intergrate.

I’d love to see the “Chinatown” Dave goes to – I imagine it’s a strip mall in Topeka with a place called Lucky Wok and a video shop that has a single, lone Jackie Chan poster.

My favorite part, however, is when Dave somehow connects DC featuring a cast of American citizens speaking another languages to a tacit endorsement of illegal immigration and separatist culture.

Why am I a bigot? Because I want foreign people coming to an English speaking country to learn, I don’t know, ENGLISH??? I assume in your perfect world, everyone will speak Mexican and we’ll all be happy when illegal immigration causes the economy to collapse. Now, generally, when I go on holiday, I’ve only really vacationed in places that speak English (USA, and Australia) – but, if I go to a foreign country, I use THEIR language. Now, there’s a cultural thing – in Amsterdam, for instance, I was with a Dutch family member, and everyone spoke pretty good English. In France, however, everyone assumes you speak French, and, if you don’t – tough titties.

I digress, however. There is a larger issue here – DC are saying “illegal immigration is ok”, “lack of community intergration is ok”. This book could have been used to examine these issues – but obviously the creators have their heads in the sand.

I find it more than a bit amusing that something that could potentially have young hispanic kids reading DC superhero comics is seen as being exclusionary, but that’s neoconservative logic for you: the poor, oppressed white man who only controls 90% of the nation’s wealth is under attack by young Latinos who may want to read about one of their own interacting with icons like Superman and Batman.

Sometimes, I wish this site were named Get Off The Planet.



Newsarama poster “VinnyPic” has a message for comic book fans eager to see the new Iron Man movie who haven’t been supporting the Iron Man comic:

All of you, who have sullied his good name the past two years, and are poised to wank off 24 hours from now to his greatness can throw yourselves on the leftovers of The Dark Knight and The Incredible Hulk.

You’ve bashed him. Called for him to die, be a skrull, and all this other ____.

Now you can shut up. It’s Shellhead’s time, and time for his fans who’ve enjoyed this character for a long time, and put up with ignorant ____ of people like you.

As a long time fan, whose first comic was a John Byrne Iron Man issue including Cap and Widow, you can all eat a dick.

Don’t bandwagon up, you aren’t welcome.

So, that would be “VinnyPic” and the 74 other Iron Man fans as the only ones going to see it this weekend, then?



The Canadian commentator Mark Steyn recently wrote a review of Mark Evanier’s new biography of Jack Kirby. It’s notable for being one of the only times you’re likely to come across a “conservative” taking the side of labor in a dispute with management, but what really elevates it to level of sheer nuttiness is this passage:

Stan was Marvel’s head writer and presiding genius and, to a couple of generations of readers, Mister Comics. (I met him briefly at the Democratic convention in Los Angeles in 2000: yes, he’s a Democrat — why do you think comic-book heroes gave up truth, justice and the American way to sit around on rooftops like Spidey riddled with self-doubt about whether their awesome powers are a blessing or a curse?)

Yes, that’s right, Stan’s political affiliations are the reason Spidey is mopey. I suppose if Spider-Man was created by a conservative, he’d be out there beating up hippies and commies and abortionists and the gays like a good American.

Oh, wait, Steve Ditko created Spider-Man, and he’s a Randian Libertarian.

Guess Steyn’s just an idiot, then.



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