Enough With the Dragons


by evilolive

It is a little disconcerting how much Eragon fanfiction there is, considering that the book itself is a horrific pastiche of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Is fanfiction based on this series even necessary?

A Fallen Shadow Ascends

Eragon stared. Murtagh was no longer the boy he had travelled to the Varden with, who he had fought a variety of creatures with, whose companionship he had cherished in times of great need. The man who he had duelled with, and lost to, on the Burning Plains had grown ever stronger and greater.

“Murtagh, you cannot be my brother.”

He laughed, not a cackle like Galbatorix, but a deep, rich and wholesome laugh.

“What, Rider? Am I not good enough to be of your blood?”

Eragon sighed, shrinking into the corner.

“You’re never too good for me.” he blurted out, his eyes on Murtagh’s impressive bulge in his trousers.

Murtagh raised his eyebrows. “Eyes up here. I have orders for you. The king requested you in his room. We’re leaving, brother.”

Out of this World

I shot out of bed and landed on the carpeted floor. ‘Wow, what a nightmare’.

I snatched a glance at the digital alarm clock. 4:30 a.m., it read. Feeling thirsty, I began walking to the kitchen. But before that, I am Danny. Daniel Phoenix to be exact. However, I never knew that I would be going on a strange journey. Anyway, I walked down the stairs and grabbed a mug from the counter. I placed the mug under the dispenser and filled it up halfway. After a big gulp, I placed it back on the counter, too lazy to wash it. Vlad will clean it in the morning anyway. One word though, I’m an only child and my father is a thermonuclear physicist (whatever the heck that means), working in a top-secret government facility while my mother runs Promedia Inc., a company that deals with artists, movies, that kind of stuff.



Nobody called them ricers or chinks


by Ted Grant

Sometimes you come across a comment on a web-site that tells you everything you could possibly want to know about a person.

Seriously, is anyone else getting tired of EVERYTHING being racist? Why is it that we can’t poke fun at stereotypes? Nobody called them ricers or chinks or japs or zipper-heads or anything, seriously, can we give it a rest?

As far as I’m concerned, unless you can prove actual intent in terms of someone being racist, then just let it slide, huh? Take it from a white guy whose race is almost constantly under attack, sometimes you just gotta let it slide, and sometimes, well… sometimes the joke is ACTUALLY funny!

Man, those white people sure do have it rough, don’t they?



I’m writing down the names of all the creeps that let us down this year to pass on to the next generation since they’ll just change the history books for them.


by Tom Thumb

So in a thoughtful and measured interview on Sunday’s edition of Meet the Press, Gen. Colin Powell (Ret.) endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for president.

But even before the interview aired, the wingnuts were crying treason.

Charlotte Observer columnist Mike DeVine, posting as (heh) “gamecock,” leads off with the charmingly titled “Colin Powell betrays America when not following orders”:

[This column assumes that Colin Powell will endorse Barack Obama this morning on Meet the Press. That he hasn't already endorsed John McCain justifies his denunciation in any event.]

In the comments thread, BatMasterson agrees, and could perhaps suggest a good moisturizer for the general as well:

Powell is just like bill richardson
he is a fair weathered friend

An interesting phenomenon is that still-bitter supporters of Hillary Clinton are none too pleased, either, as witness gerard “Barracuda” Nedich in the comments at right-wing screed factory blog No Quarter:

Shame on you Colin Powell

a. hillary
b. mccain

america first!

snosandy is personally disappointed in Powell, who is apparently a close personal friend of the family:

He’s not the Colin Powell I thought I knew.

No Way, No How NoBama and his tinfoil hat know the score, man:

Time for the 3rd party candidates to back McCain for the good of the country. I’m writing down the names of all the creeps that let us down this year to pass on to the next generation since they’ll just change the history books for them.

It’s always refreshing when a white commenter such as Sue recognizes racial oppression when she sees it:

Colin Powell is a racist. There I said it. The only reason he’s endorsing Obama is because he’s black.

Much more, if that’s your thing. I’m going for some Pepto.



Twilight Poster Commentary


by evilolive

Now that the Twilight movie will be released soon, the fan community is in an uproar about a fugly looking poster:

danny Sat, Oct 11, 2008 at 03:02 PM EST
This is probably one of the worst poster i’ve ever seen, if not the worse. Edawrd doesn’t look beautiful or dazzling at all! He looks more like a stalker or a serial killer. The lighting is unnatural. The pose and body angle are weird. compared to this the last poster is WAY better!

Jay Fri, Oct 10, 2008 at 11:06 PM EST
This poster screams “SURPRIZE BUTTSECKS”

rea Fri, Oct 10, 2008 at 08:56 AM EST
I’ve only just become a twilight fan i read a frends book and oh my god i couldnt stop reading wow wow wow.
I like the poster i think edward looks so cool and like he is protecting her as always,bella looks to pretty.
Am happy about the soundtrack muse are the best choice but there are other songs that could have worked better.

Kelly Thu, Oct 9, 2008 at 08:33 PM EST
I think Rob’s eyes are GORGEOUS! HE IS GORGEOUS AND BEAUTIFUL! INHUMANLY BEAUTIFUL! And his hair is perfect. He is just too damn hot for his own good. People are just psycho, and need to build a bridge and get over it. And if you don’t like Twilight get over it. And people need to stop being so over dramatic. The movie is not going to be word for word! What’s the point in that? It wouldn’t be fun if you knew what was going to happen. Kristen looks a bit awkward…but still very pretty. Robert just looks…..indescribable. He’s sooooooooooooooooooooooo gorgeous. Seriously. And he’s a vampire, he’s supposed to have those eyes and skin. I think people are blind or just too stubborn to accept him as Edward, and that’s why they think he’s ugly. I mean…come on! He’s so hot! I can’t wait!

Alicedoll Wed, Oct 8, 2008 at 06:56 PM EST
I think the poster does look creepie. I think they should make Robert’s eyes more brown it looks tooo bright to be topaz. And i think Kristen doesn’t looked loved or looks like she does not care.
I think they should be looking into one anothers eyes.
That would be soooo romantic.

Kara Archibald Wed, Oct 8, 2008 at 12:40 PM EST
If they are going to shoot pictures seperately then don’t be in the movie. In order to achieve the love that Bella and Edward have in the book, they need to actually TRY. Have pictures together, act like Bella and Edward and the rest of the cast, talk to Stephanie Meyer: she’s the only one who actually KNOWS who everyone is. Bring personality to it but keep it RIGHT. Robert Pattinson; hold Kristin like you were Edward. Hold her with passion, and be careful. Hands must look tense because of your carefulness around Bella. BECOME EDWARD! Kristin Stewart: exclude yourself from people, get to know Bella as yourself and look at Edward like Bella does. Ask stephanie about Bella, spend time with Robert and act like Bella. If you do that, the movie will be closer to the book than ever. So many teens are in love with this book and this series, and this movie should be a tribut to this book. Please don’t let down so many how are in love with these characters and this book. Become what we love.

emma cheese Wed, Oct 8, 2008 at 12:02 AM EST
OMG i love edward i dream about edward all the time….. I LOVE HIM
my future name is emma Cullen
im plan on killing bella hehehe LOL
no i really am



this thing is so funny, now someone need to make a movie


by CM

As regurgitated on the internet everywhere, “Armored truck robber uses Craigslist to make getaway“. But has anybody made fun of the comments for that article yet? No. Of course not. That’s why you need Get Off the Internet. We bring the good shit.

Let’s get things started with one of the countless internet denizens who has no idea what an ellipsis is actually used for.

yeah yeah.. stealing is wrong…
But… no one was killed… or harmed very badly…
and the guy got away…very creatively by the way.
For all I care… if this guy is going to go across the country robbing banks in this manner… have at it, as long as no one is maimed or killed in the proccess…
Man that makes for a good news story. HAHA!

Yes, anarchy is always welcomed as long as it makes for hilarious fluff news. By the way, did you hear about the man exposing himself to children? No one was maimed or killed, and the news report used a cartoon duck to cover his genitalia! Hilarious!

It would seem that local police have a regular Keyser Souce on their hand.

Look, you’re already on the internet. Could you not spend 2 seconds to check if you spelled Keyser Söze correctly? Also, Keyser Söze murdered his own family before butchering the majority of the Hungarian mob, so, no, the police DON’T have a regular Keyser Söze on their hands. Jesus. Why didn’t you just jump straight to Godwin and say the police had a regular “Hitler” on their hands?

I wonder if he is a relative of D.B. Coopers?

Again, you have access to the whole damn internet, could you not have maybe done a little research? I mean, props for knowing one of the great unsolved capers in US history, but negative props for associating it with a guy who will probably be caught the next time he logs back into Craigslist.

this thing is so funny, now someone need to make a movie

What the hell?! You just read the whole damn story! Are you really admitting to the internet that your imagination is completely incapable of recreating this story that you’re DEMANDING someone charge you ten bucks for the privilege of watching what you just now read? Sweet pie-baking gorillas, you’re an idiot!

haha clever
at least NOW he’ll have some good pillow-talk to tell his new boyfriend in prison.

I was beginning to wonder if I was actually still on the internet, what with the lack of research and palpable homophobia.

people are crazy these days.

Well gosh, I sure am glad you decided to chime in on this delightful little anecdote. Just couldn’t let this story go by without tossing in your two cents, huh? I guess “ha ha” seemed to pedestrian and “omg wtf” was just outside of your grasp?

Too bad the idiot American voting public could not and cannot elect a President who can think ahead and plan like this.

Because what would the internet be without a self-righteous, thread-jacking asshole with a political chip on his shoulder?