Read these posts and ask yourself: do we need more retards or do we have enough already?


by Tom Thumb

Sometimes, it’s impossible not to love Ted Turner. According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, America’s favorite billionaire pagan environmentalist ex-hubby of Jane Fonda got in touch with his inner Harlan Ellison during a Charlie Rose interview on global warming:

“Most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals,” said Turner, 69. “Civilization will have broken down. The few people left will be living in a failed state — like Somalia or Sudan — and living conditions will be intolerable.”

Mr. Turner suggests limiting population growth as a partial remedy… which looks to be the last straw for commenter Solution, who has a modest proposal for Mr. Turner and like-minded folk:

It is funny how you don’t see the people who advocate over population putting their money where their mouth is and sign up for voluntary suicide. Maybe that is why dems appose the war in Iraq, that way when the USA leaves, the crazy terrorist will be able to freely wipe out a good chunk of the population and Ted and company can live in their euphoria.

Solution goes on to describe how he’s doing his small part to kill us all. Just like God intended!

Hey Ted I left my incandescent light bulb on all night and I let my car warm up before driving it this morning. Not to mention snow storms across the Midwest, in April. The earth is bigger than you Ted. It can take care of itself, who said the earth wasn’t intelligently designed?

God, as you might expect, disagrees. Rather insensitively, I might add.

Global warming is not the problem. Overpopulation and human stupidity is.
Read these posts and ask yourself: do we need more retards or do we have enough already?
It’s either religious rednecks or idiot liberals. When did common sense go out of style?
We are running out of resources, it’s time to think before you start multiplying like rats.

Common sense? No thanks. Oscar McGriff is all about the SCIENCE!

I read an article about how the native Americans reached the America’s across the land bridge from Sibeia to Alaska at an earlier time than thought, 13,000 B.C.E. This article also stated that the weather was warmer then. We are now told that if the weather is warmer our oceans would rise. How can there have been a land bridge then if in a cooler time as now there is no land bridge. For some reason this sounds contrary to current theory on global warming that our oceans will rise and we will have less land area.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my next-door neighbor isn’t going to catch and skin himself.



That is subjecting this child to bad language. I think she probably get sworn around a lot!


by Kevin Church

OK, you’ll need to watch the below video which is, for the record, completely adorable. You may want to ensure that your boss isn’t in earshot if a toddler uttering a curse word is against company policy.

(It’s probably against company policy, but really, c’mon…)

Now, please enjoy this brilliant short film entitled Child says “frog”?

Of course, MySpacers have to have their say:

i hope that by the time she is in kindergarten ,the teacher will say,now whatever ur name is(lolz sry),say frog,and then she goes faaaack,and so ya lol but it was cute

OK, then.

Hey, what happened in this video, again?

ya ya she said fuck not frog ha ha

This person is very upset at the obviously squalid, curse-filled conditions this child is being raised in:

Why would the parent of this child carry on telling her to say ‘frog’ when she says fuck. That is subjecting this child to bad language. I think she probably get sworn around a lot!

When there’s this person, who thinks that discipline needs to be maintained:

OMFG That child needs to get a beating! What a little brat! She should know better! A close family member will die tommorow if you don’t repost this.

Wait, what?

Of course, there’s some haters. There’s always haters. I’m ignoring the usual racist shit (no, seriously, these people are racists against Asian babies that haven’t even had time to learn how to drive badly or do really well in math) and focusing on one that features something that makes me into an out-and-out hater:

wow…a kid says “fuck” how hilarious :-/ lol

I hate people who LOL at their own damn “funny comments.” It’s like the world’s shittiest laughtrack, turned up to 10.



Anybody that have called the help line of some companies and ended up being answer from India is like trying to decifer some animalistic mumbo jumbo


by Ted Grant

Lest anyone be inclined to think that it’s only the politically conservative blogs that attract more than their fair share of idiots, liberal blogs get them from time to time as well. Take, for example, this article from Towleroad about a new ad campaign in India:

India is the filthiest country in the world.To bathe and drink in a river were corpses are burned and dunk is about as disgusting as one can be.Imagine swimming and a rotten arm hits you in the face,uhg.Besides that indian skin color is king of yukky.It is not black,brown or white is so sickly purple.Base on all the above they have to be envious of everybody and have to lash out to make themselves feel a little better.Anybody that have called the help line of some companies and ended up being answer from India is like trying to decifer some animalistic mumbo jumbo.And at the end they are as helpful as a headache.



Surprised they didn’t redesign the bottle neck to go along with this campaign.


by Ted Grant

We’ve already talked a bit about…interesting reactions to a cheeky vodka ad campaign, but if you thought that was the only advertising campaign to get people upset, then, well, I suppose you’ve lived a very sheltered life up until now.

Because Absolut is also running this campaign, primarily in gay newspapers and magazines:

“Aha,” you say, “It’s a joke about penis size. Clearly people are offended at such a cheap and easy gag appearing in their magazines!”

Well, no.

Perhaps they are exploring a new niche market for their product - promoting it as a disinfectant after having gay sex….

These fools are determined to make sure that I won’t buy any of their products. First the Mexican map now supporting queers.

Is anyone really surprised about this? After all, my guess is that you need to imbibe a lot of vodka before doing what the pillow-biters normally do…

To me, these ads are more or less as offensive to me as if Absolut ran ads advocating child sexual abuse or extoling the vitrues of the Third Reich.

WHAT ON EARTH HAS HAPPENED TO MY CULTURE?

Hey, it wouldn’t be the internet without a completely inappropriate Nazi reference…

I’ve gave up Gray Goose when the Frenchies “stabbed us in the back” about the war in Iraq…my father who was “over there” in WWI must have rolled over in his grave…
guess the Frenchies have a short memory…
especially since we “pulled their bacon out of the fire” TWICE!

“Interesting” punctuation “aside,” I wonder what “Gray Goose” or the “French” have to do with “this.”

Can you imagine Jack Daniels or Old Grand Dad ever advertising itself as “the preferred whiskey for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered consumers”? Neither can I.

Will Absolut’s advocacy stop at Aztlan and the homo agenda? Doubt it. Expect a map of the Mideast excluding Israel next. …and perhaps a map of a U.S. with a submerged coastline (due to ice cap melting from global warming)

I don’t even like Vodka, and suddenly I want a big glass of it…



Poor Jane Austen


by evilolive

Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice is perhaps the first and most enduring source of fan fiction, since most romance novels would not exist without her influence. And some of that fan fiction is rather frightening:

From Jane Austen’s Land of Ahhhs:

Master Under Good Regulation
This is the story of Pride and Prejudice as seen through the eyes of Reggie, Mr. Darcy’s dog. Reggie has a keen perception of things going on around him and the story begins with Darcy as a young boy of 15, picking Reggie out from a litter. We see the two of them become close companions as Darcy grows up and enters the story of Pride and Prejudice that Jane Austen penned. But the story also takes you to those silent months and behind the scenes where Reggie has much on which to reflect, comment, and intervene.

Lizzy, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: A Sardines Epic
An affectionate parody of literary favorites, in this tongue-in-cheek adventure, when Lizzy Bennet agrees to play a game of sardines with the Bingleys and Mr. Darcy while her ailing sister slumbers, she can have no notion of where this innocent game will lead her, and in what kind of peril she will find herself when she chooses to hide in Miss Bingley’s wardrobe and instead finds herself in a strange world unlike anything she could ever have dreamed, and where things happen that may very well change the course of her life.

Emotional Hangover

Liz Bennett was bursting at the seams. She could not wait to tell the rest of the band the news. Their manager, or as she fondly called him, daddy, had just called and told her that they had been booked to be the opening act for Vicious Innocence, on their tour. Jenny, Lisa, Marianne, and Lottie, the rest of the girls who made up Emotional Hangover, were all looking at her expectantly

“Well?” Marianne prompted. “What did he say? Are we booked?”

“YES!” Liz announced. Cheers resounded from the rest of the group. They were finally getting another tour. And not just any tour; A tour with the number one rock band in the country.

“I knew it! I knew it!” Lisa screeched. “How could they possibly turn down us? Bet the boys took one look at our pictures, thought, “Wow, they are hot!” and that was that!” Everyone laughed at Lisa. The youngest in the band, only 17, all she cared about was boys and clothes. “Seriously though, we are sooo lucky that we get to tour with the most eligible bachelors on the face of this earth, not to mention the hottest!” Lisa said.

“I’m just happy that we finally have our big break. Opening for Vicious Innocence means that we get to perform in front of millions of people. It’s the best way to get to the top of the charts.” Lottie said.

“I agree with both of you.” Jenny said who was the oldest at 24 and always was trying to be the peace maker. “This tour is going to be huge for us, and it doesn’t hurt that there will be some eye candy for us on our trip to the top.”

‘Amen, sistah friend!” Marianne yelled…..

On Thin Ice

St. Cloud State University Rink Penalty Box: Orchestra, Meet my Skate
Predictably, as she was unlacing her skates, HE plopped down on the bench beside her.
Jerome Kush.
He was breathtaking.
He knew it.
He had absolutely no qualms about tooting his own horn.
In fact, he didn’t just have one horn.
He had an entire orchestra.
He attached himself to every female unfortunate enough to enter his line of vision.
Well, every female who wasn’t her.
It wasn’t that he hadn’t made a valiant effort to win her affections.
He had.
His determination to woo her began when they were three.
Maybe his approach is the problem.
“Drake,” he cooed.
Lecherously, he waggled his eyebrows.
“This time, I’m gonna make you an offer you CAN’T refuse.”
Well, there’s a come-on I haven’t heard since practice this afternoon.
Does he honestly believe stealing pick-up lines from the Godfather will get him laid?
“What offer am I expected to not refuse THIS time, Jerome,” she indignantly spat.
He stroked her upper thigh.
“I’ll show you my stick, if you show me your puck.”

Skin Deep
That one touch seemed to ignite both the young men as they seemingly dived for each other. Both shirts were removed before they allowed themselves that long-awaited, much-fantasised kiss. They both fell upon an armchair nearby, Wickham beneath, Darcy on his lap. Henry strained closer so their chests touched, and they kissed most vigorously until George’s brain hurt from denying himself of air for so long. He forcedly broke off the embrace; Darcy dazedly opened his eyes, his lips red and bruised. He stared at George’s lips in shock for a moment, and was about to open in his mouth to speak, when his wits rapidly snuffed out as George began to slowly lick and suck his neck.

Of course, with mouths and tongues wandering around with such abandon, hands were bound to imitate. But when George ran his hand down young Darcy’s chest, through the sporadic chest hair and settled directly on the front of his breeches, he was more than surprised. He arched back against the chair arm so rapidly that he ended up knocking his head on a decorative and serendipitously appropriate statue of Eros placed next to it. Again this brought him briefly back to his senses, again he attempted to halt this exciting event, and again George disarmed him with the ease and skill of a rake.



The first and most obvious reason is “they have it Europe.”


by Charlie Bebattica

Stuff White People Like is a site premised upon taking the hoary “white people go like this/black people go like that” routine and cutting out the “black people” part. After reading several of the site’s posts, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something off about the entire venture, which seemed to be a series of snarky jabs against facile targets, passed under the guise of self-effacement or as simply “telling it like it is.” (Never a good sign, that.)

Also telling is the site’s choice of subjects to mock, “straw liberal” clichés like San Francisco, having gay friends, and the Toyota Prius. Oddly enough, given the site’s name, there are no entries for Ayn Rand, Larry the Cable Guy, or NASCAR, despite their well-documented appeal to the melanin-challenged sector of our society. Funny, that.

Then again, I thought perhaps I was reading too much into things…until this post, #94 Free Healthcare, which is the equivalent to that dreaded point in a conversation when you realize that you’ve spent the last hour talking to a Ron Paul supporter and start formulating a rapid exit strategy.

It begins thusly…

In spite of having access to the best health insurance and fanciest hospitals, white people are passionate about the idea of socialized medicine. So much so that they have memorized statistics and examples of how for-profit medicine has destroyed the United States.

If by “access,” you mean “it’s out there, though beyond the financial reach of many people, including those who work full time,” then the opening statement is almost correct. You know what else is correct? If you’re trapped in a tunnel with a vending machine full of Dasani, you will die of thirst if you don’t have change to put in the damn thing.

So why do white people like free healthcare?

Firstly, because they’re a bunch of feckless Europhiles:

The first and most obvious reason is “they have it Europe.” White people love all things European, this especially true of things that are unavailable in the United States (Rare Beers, Absinthe, legal marijuana, prostitution, soccer).

…and secondly, because these supposed “white people” (who bear no resemblance to any ones I’ve encountered in real life) are a bunch of bohemian slackers:

But the secret reason why all white people love socialized medicine is that they all love the idea of receiving health care without having a full-time job. This would allow them to work as a freelance designer/consultant/copywriter/photographer/blogger, open their own bookstore, stay at home with their kids, or be a part of an Internet start-up without having to worry about a benefits package.

The Europeans, lazy bohemians… that’s two conservative shibboleths invoked, all we’re missing is Michael Moore:

These desires were only heightened in 2007 when Michael Moore released “Sicko,” a documentary that contrasts the health care industry in the United States with that of Canada, France and Cuba. As a general rule of thumb, white people are always extra passionate about issues that have been the subject of a Moore documentary. As a test, ask them about 9/11, Gun Control, or Health Care and then say “where did you get that information?” You will not be surprised at the results.

YES, WE HAVE A RIGHT-WING TALKING POINT HAT TRICK! WOOOO! Because when you’re a uninsured college student or low wage worker with a painful and potentially deadly intestinal obstruction, it’s not about a hard choice where well-being has to be weighed against a possibly crushing financial burden. It’s all about being a slacker Scandophile fan of Roger and Me and ignoring the fact that the streets in this blessed nation are simply paved with affordable health care plans.

And, of course, it wouldn’t be complete without a jab at typical straw liberal “white people” hypocrisy:

They love the idea of everyone have equal access to the resources that will keep them alive, that is until they have to wait in line for an MRI.

Ah, yes, projecting one’s sense of crapulence onto others, that’s certainly something white people like.

Oh, did I say “white people?” I meant “over-entitled douchebags.”



Mystery Boxes


by evilolive

I’m not sure why anyone would bid for something when they have no idea what they’re going to get, but this doesn’t stop people from hosting mystery box auctions.

Lesbian Mystery Box

Buffy Mystery Box

This is part of the same group of items we have been putting up for auction lately to fund our ever growing diaper, formula, and baby food addiction! The items we put up for auction are donations from family and friends - for which we are VERY GRATEFUL.

We have been blessed with a 4 year old future “Rogue Demon Hunter” (Beau Grayson) AND a 3 year old future “Slayer” (Tabitha Alyson)! And baby #3 - future “Watcher”- (Wyatt Garrison), 15 months old!!!!!!!


A Lady’s Mystery Box You will love it! Box #2
Putting a doily on top of a box shows that the box is for the ladies.


MYSTERY BOX AUCTION……..EVEN I DON’T KNOW WHATS IN THIS BOX WEIGHS 4 LBS AND IS A MYSTERY TO ME



Please join us in welcoming…


by Kevin Church

…What the hell, Philly? to the internet.  Readers of Get Off The Internet should immediately check out this post concerning public safety on SEPTA.



Dusty and Duke stood outside the plane, in a manner recalling Bogart and Bergman in Casablanca’s final scene.


by evilolive

Y.U.-G.I. Joe

Previously on GI Joe:

James McCullen Destro extended his arm, “Welcome to my humble home, Mr. Vice-President.”

The Vice-President smiled evilly, “With this subcontract offer for Iraq reconstruction, you’ll be able to build a house 10- no, a 100 times bigger!”

They laughed evilly.

Dusty and Duke stood outside the plane, in a manner recalling Bogart and Bergman in Casablanca’s final scene.
Duke worked up his nerve to say, “Dusty, I—”

Dusty turned to him sadly, “Shhh… I do too, but we’ll both be discharged if we go any further with this.”

Storm Shadow walked into Cobra Commander’s private chambers, with his hair tied back in a pair of pigtails and dressed in a schoolgirl outfit. “The lawyer twins managed to get you a new toy. We have to lay low in Japan anyway, so we’ll land in Domino City and hide out there until Destro finalizes the Halliburton subcontract.”

Cobra Commander clapped his hands excitedly.

Storm Shadow looked down sadly, “I don’t mean much to you, do I?”

Cobra Commander sighed out of frustration, “Why is whenever I’m with Bludd, Tomax and Xamot, Mindbender, Overkill, Crystal Ball or someone else, you get all pissy?”

Strange New World

“Snake Eyes,” Scarlett cried as she threw herself into his arms. The tears flowed freely now, she knew not from where. All she knew was the intense gratitude that she now felt for him, even though she had never personally experienced these things herself. The idea that anyone could love her, or someone like her, so deeply, truly touched something in her heart. This relationship between her and Snake Eyes in this world was a mystery that she was finally beginning to unravel. Surely, there must be something that she could learn and bring back with her, because one day she felt she would go back to where she had come from. She knew not when or where or how, but something in her gut told her this. Scarlett now felt a tremendous desire to treasure up the love Snake Eyes showered upon her so unconditionally; this love was a rare thing that could not easily be found once lost. This love was something she must treasure within her heart, just as a child holds onto the sweet memories of a distant day filled with wonder and magic. Like that child, Scarlett would spend the rest of her life hoping to recapture the essence of that original, pure feeling, again and again, because in these moments, she would believe that she had found true happiness.

Love Interrupted

Bubblegum Crisis/G.I. Joe lesbian crossover:

“Courtney, let’s go inside.” She softly requested. Sylia escorted the crying Cover Girl to the couch where Priss and Cover Girl were ‘enjoying’ themselves hours earlier. Sylvie watched from a distance, but then got Cover Girl a glass of water. Sitting next to her she offered her moral support. Cover Girl rested her head against Sylia’s shoulder. She was a full member of the Knight Sabers, but in a way she was adopted into this small, close knit family, who, with the exception of Nene, were in one way all orphans or lost their own family. When Cover Girl took Priss home to meet her mother, she accepted the relationship but did not approve of it, the rest of her family basically disowned Cover Girl for her ‘lesbian’ relationship with the Knight Saber. “She always protected me,” Cover Girl mentioned offhand.

Ass Pinching 101

“OW! GODDAMNIT, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU NEANDERTHAL!?”

“H-Hi-Tech!? Whadd’re you doin’ here!?” Rubbing his forehead sorely, Tunnel Rat backed up in shock and surprise. Hi-Tech was none to pleased.

“Well gee, Tunel Rat, this just so happens to be MY workshop! Why SHOULDN’T I be here!?” Angrily, Hi-Tech rubbed the spot where he had been assaulted. “God, that HURT, TR! Don’t you even know how to do it right!?” Tunnel Rat gave him a confused look.

“What do you mean, ‘do it right’? There’s only one way to pinch!”

“Not like it’s St. Patrick’s Day, you moron! That HURT! You have to do it gently, so it’s only like a short nip, rather than trying to rip someones flesh off! In Italy, men do it to women and younger girls as a way of expresssing that they think the girl is pretty. It’s very common over there, and you do it like this-” Swiftly, Hi-Tech reached around Tunnel Rat and gave him a quick pinch, which he made sure didn’t hurt. The result was a very surprised squeak issued from the smaller man.

“H-Hi-Tech! What are you-”



Tattooo a chick or a f*cking Panda on your arm… not Tay ZOnday… what a f*cker


by Kevin Church

So, this guy (who obviously needs to Get Off The Internet) decides to get himself a tattoo of Tay Zonday. Yes, that Tay Zonday. The guy who epitomizes “fifteen minutes of fame” like no other. The guy whose career apex is a Diet Dr Pepper ad.

This is the tattoo in question (turn down the sound if you don’t want to hear “Chocolate Rain” ever again):

And these are the best of the YouTube comments, the first coming from Mr. Zonday himself:

LOL I don’t know what to say. I’m flattered? Heeheeee

This is, of course, the exact point in which things go downhill.

are you serious?! wtf!!! hey look im on top of Tayzonday! dat’z pretty crazy thou you got a tatto of him!!!

i admire tay but i wouldn’t have gone that far.

I don’t even know what this means:

I got happyslip on my arm, nalts on my ass and smosh on my boobs. :D

But apparently this guy does (or he wants to see ass and boobs):

LEt me see that sounds cool, message me

I like this guy because he just repeats what happens on the screen. I bet he’s great fun to go to the movies with:

hahaha. Out of all the people he could get a tattoo of, he gets one of Tay Zonday

Apparently, ink doesn’t suit this gentleman’s taste, but really weird-looking emoticons do.

People have gone WHACK with this whole TAT thing - like machine gunz blazing with ink - ratta tat tat - ALL OVER the place… Shit - If you were born to be tatted out - you’da been born in an inkwell - maybe with the firm imprint of the first slap - tatted to your ass!
;=]

This guy doesn’t like someone making money off other people’s idiocy:

Thats just annoying as an artist I think if I were asked to tat something like that I would smack the idiot and kick him out of my business but hey to each his own,now with that said it came out pretty good nice work lol

I suppose valon18 doesn’t regret skipping English class.

wtf… no life
have fun regreting it for the rest of your life dumb ass

Everyone knows “dumbass” is one word, dumbass.

Wait, what?

You’re an idiot. I hope you don’t reproduce. I bet you vote Democrat. Dope.

At least he knew where the shift key was.

It wouldn’t be a YouTube comment party without a random bit of homophobia that makes the Internet the hub of intelligent discourse that it is:

SO FUCKING GAY!!!!!!!! Tattooo a chick or a fucking Panda on your arm… not Tay ZOnday… what a fucker

That’s right! Pandas are so goddamn hetero it hurts.

Finally, here’s the most depressing thing ever typed by another human being, ever:

I hope you got aids from that needle

Oh, wait, no, there’s a response that makes me hate humanity even more:

Me too, hope you get aids, tetanus and then die.



« Previous Page — Next Page »